... She Moves!

Hello vast unknown! 

I have decided to move my blogging adventures to wordpress.

So, if you want to be updated on my life & adventures, just go to halliegrace.wordpress.com and keep on reading. 

xoxo,
The Blonde

... She Reflects on the Self

Since the secularization of general, Western culture, the concept of the self rules how people perceive themselves and how they interact with others. Freud popularized the concept of the ego & the id. No longer are humans ruled by a higher being, but by their emotions and wills.

"But that is not the way you learned Christ!— assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:20-24

So, why am I bringing up rather philosophical ideas?

Because I just realized that I am ridiculously self-absorbed, selfish, and "self"- defined. Vocally, I claim to love others and have a passion for others. But actually, I just like how others perceive me when I "love" people well. I get excited about being well-liked and people that I do not immediately click with bother me deeply. I find meaning and purpose in how other people think of me.

Though I hate to admit it... my world has a lot to do with me and not a lot to do with Jesus.

"And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." Galatians 5:24

Jesus does not define me in my entirety. I try too hard to balance pleasing humans & pleasing God. I am more immediately concerned about people's feelings about me then what God thinks about me. I am willing to compromise my values and opinions to please others. Not so the other people are fulfilled, but so I can gain glory and affirmation.

I allow my immediate emotions to fuel my decisions. I let my "self" overcome my mouth and foolish words flow out. (Remember that proverb? Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. Not so pretty.)

I am so concerned with being perceived as being offensive, intimidating, or weird that I overcompensate with foolishness.

And yet at the same time, I am obsessed with maintaining a genuine representation of my (very strong) personality. I do not interact with people in a way that glorifies Christ. Instead, without even being aware, I allow my strong personality to trump other less-vocal personalities. And I take a warped pride in my strong personality. As if it is something worth preserving and maintaining. No. It is not at all.

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20 

To make things worst: the world confirms not condemns this awful part of my heart. Just think about it... A vast majority of ads are about building yourself up (VS for example is all about wearing sexy lingerie so, as a woman, you can feel empowered sexually. I am all for women's rights, but should my goal and identity be in how sexy & confident I feel - fully dressed or not?). In my English class we discuss about the discovery of self - as if by discovering yourself you are made absolutely complete (Which I take issue with on a lot of different levels. A) As a Christian, shouldn't our lives be about finding Christ and thus finding ourselves? B) My "self" is constantly adjusting the older I get, the more places I go, and the more people I meet. Even if I made my entire quest in life to "find myself" I never would. It is an elusive quest.). The Internet enables me to know anything from the fundamentals (and beyond) of astrophysics to how to build a car from scratch.  For a vast majority of college students, "the college experience" essentially gives you free licenses to do whatever your lustful heart & mind desires.

All around me, I hear:
Look inward. 
Life is about the self. 
You can't do anything except focus on yourself. 
You do you. 
I forgot that there is more to the world then myself.

Ouch. Nothing like your eyes to be opened to the brutally awful aspects of your soul.

And at the same time it feels good for this to be exposed. Raw & awful. Now that I understand that I have an obsession with myself - I can allow the Lord to work this gunk out of my being.

What would I do without you, Lord? I could not repair this soul well. Actually, I would probably make it worst and inflict a crippling bonus-shot of pride (which I already have in excess).

While seeing this Raw & Awful, I am realizing just how big the cross is. Jesus came to reconcile us to God. My prideful, self-filled heart does not glorify God. In fact, it is exactly the opposite of how God calls me to love others & die to myself. And yet, Jesus - The Son Of God - came to take the burden of sin. How can this be? I am unworthy - this selfish heart of mine is unworthy. 

I cannot go on walking both ways. I want to live entirely in Christ - not pleasing man or my self. I want to please him and live with my heart in submission to him. Jesus was unfairly judged and condemned for things he did not do. People are not going to like me and I am not always going to be dominant in relationships. Submitting my heart is hard. But so entirely necessary. And the Bible has a lot to say about this. (Including the verses I included earlier)

"And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:23

"For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it." Mark 8:35

"And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me." Matthew 10:38

"Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very the nature of God,
did not consider equality with God 
something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father."
Philippians 2:1-11

So, how am I going to walk forward - daily submitting my heart to the Lord and not to myself? 
Prayer & lots of it.
Reminding myself how raw & awful my heart is.  
Speaking the truth of the Bible lots & lots (The Bible is invaluable) 
Talk to close friends about what I've learned today (YAY accountability) 

xoxo, 
The Blonde

PS What I am listening to: Hope Church: Fight for Us (check it out here)

... She Records 1098 Gifts

On January 1, 2013, I decided to record 3 gifts a day for 365 days.

It all started when I read One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. In it she talked about the freedom found in acknowledging thankfulness. In fact, she quotes scientific proof that gratitude can alleviate stress and provide an optimistic outlook on life.  

           

As I wrote, I discovered that the scientific proof is actually true. On the worst days, I had the opportunity to look beyond myself & reflect on the (often minute) gifts in my life. As a result, an attitude of gratitude and optimism has started developing in my heart and I am gaining a new vision for the life the Lord has given me. 

I highly encourage you to visit aholyexperience.com and read Ann's blog. It never ceases to profoundly impact my heart & life.

xoxo,
The Blonde

... She Writes A Cinquian

Love

Overwhelming emotion

Panics, confuses, elates

Engages my innocent heart

You.

... She Rings in the New Year

[DISCLAIMER: Yes, I know that it is January 3rd, but I wrote a majority of this post on the 1st]

Well, it's that time of year again.

I always reach the new year with a sense of regret & foreboding & excitement & hope. Yes, I realize these emotions are paradoxes - they do not overlap and "should not" exist together. And yet, they do. Perhaps that is part of the human condition, trapped between the bitter and the sweet. We taste the bitter right along with the sweet. And yet, at least my taste buds, notice the shocking bitter far before they notice the sweet.

So, what is bitterness of 2013?
Good question. (Yes, I realize I am essentially talking to myself - that is the beauty of writing. Talking to yourself is almost socially acceptable. Almost.)

I am achiever. I like accomplishing what is on my to-do list. 

I regret not speaking truth when I had opportunity. 

I regret hasty words & fearful silence. 

I regret not trusting my Lord & refusing to do what he whispered to my heart. 

I regret not living to my full potential and allowing anger to dictate my actions.

Is there a bitter taste coming into 2014?
Yes. Yes there is.

One year more farther removed from my dad. That bites the hardest and for the longest. It shocks my senses and sends me on the fast track to tears. 

I fear what comes ahead. 

I fear how previous actions may dictate the future. 

I fear the unknown & uncontrollable (yup - I can be a bit of a control freak).

However, and I cannot state this enough, the beauty of having a relationship with Christ is that we are free to live in the security of Christ. Yes, the regret & foreboding of the past & future years exist, but we can leave free from fear (and regret & foreboding) in Christ. As I am writing, I am realizing that I live in a lot of fear. I am tired of being fearful. It needs to stop. The bible has a lot to say about fear. Here are some of my favorites:

• [Isaiah 41:10] Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
• [Philippians 4:6-7] Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
• [Psalm 56:3] When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
• [2 Timothy 1:7] For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
• [Matthew 6:25-34] “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these."
• [Deuteronomy 31:6] Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”
• [1 Peter 5:6-7] Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

So, I've discussed my bitters. How about my sweets?

2013: 

Finishing Freshman Year (NEVER A FRESHMAN AGAIN!)

Making sweet, life-long friends

Going to InterVarsity Camp 

Survived the summer helping my mom get ready to put the house on the market & working a pretty boring office job.  Resulting Bonus: I learned that I never want to work in an office and I learned a lot of details about putting a house on the market. 

We didn't move because my mom decided to stay (I am so relieved - for the most part)

1D Concert

Duck, NC

Chesapeake Bay

Leading a small group on campus for Freshman girls

Reading the book of John

Asking a wonderfully Godly senior to mentor me

Seeing some of my friends get engaged

Meeting The Boyfriend  

Lots of Laughter

Exciting Dates

Cupcake Maker

My current roomies

Impulsive second-hole piercing (I am so rebellious)

Fun Fall, Thanksgiving, & Christmas Breaks 

Learning how to miss people healthily 

Discovering how to be compassionate and loving towards others

Learning how my identity is concrete in my relationship with Christ 

Surviving the One Year of dad dying

Discovering just how much I love education & social justice. 

Learning that I also really love being an English major. 

Living to 2014.

I have so much to be thankful for. 2013 was a million times better then 2012, especially once I went back to school. I am thankful for all the sweetness that the Lord bestowed in my life, heart, & mind. I am confident that the Lord will guide me through the bitter & the sweet of 2014. 

So, 2014. Here we go. I am ready for the love, heartbreak, dreams, people, adventures, boredom, learning, and growth that will happen this year. Here is to a fearless, adventure seeking, Jesus-loving year!

xoxo,
The Blonde

PS What I am listening to as I write: http://songza.com/listen/sultry-sirens-songza/

... She Shares Some Poetry.

I know. It's been forever. Life is so very full. Wonderful, but so full.

I don't have time to write about the many things on my heart (I have 50 pages to read of Midnight's Children and 10 pieces of poetry to finish analyzing - English Major Problems). But I did want to share a piece of poetry that I found. 

Earlier this semester, on the year & a half anniversary (I hate using that word & associating it with death. Anniversaries are suppose to be happy things) of Dad passing away, I wrote this poem. September 8th was hands down the most difficult day of my semester. I sobbed in church and had so much work to do. All I wanted to do was run and sob and write. But I could not. And I did not want to talk about it with anyone. 

[Why do I refuse help? I am way too proud.]

Anyways, vast world, I present you with my poem. 

(September 8, 2013)

In the private moments

                        Of grief,

The heart cries for

                        Some release.

To be hidden away

                        From pain.

And given the chance

                        To Relieve

The all-consuming weight

                        That death

Leaves in its wake.

It wreaks my body.

Cripples my mind.

My every bone screams.

Tears – come.

Anger – dissipate.

Confusion – abandon.

But in this pristine bubble,

There is no chance of relief.

The expectation to be

                        ABSOLUTELY PERFECT

Rules this place.

So, I sit in my tower.

Biding my time.

Until I explode!

Sufficiently depressing? 

I think so. 

BUT, I cannot just present you with a depressing poem. That would not suffice. 

The Lord is consistent to speak truth to my heart. I am learning that He wants what is best for me. I can truthfully, finally, say that HE IS TRUSTWORTHY. I can entrust him with my heart, my future, my loves, my anger, my fears, my sin, my mind, my health, my friends, my family...

I am also learning about love & the Lord. At the beginning of the school year, the Lord laid Ephesians 3:16-21 on my heart. I keep coming back to it over and over again. 

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

What does it look like to be rooted and established in Christ?
Do I exude this incredible strength? If not, how can I?
Is is abundantly obvious that Christ dwells in my heart?
How does Christ's incomprehensible love affect my relationships?

So many questions. I could keep going, but do you really want to read ALL my questions? Maybe. But, I really need to stop procrastinating.

I just want to write all the things that are on my heart.

Summary: My heart. It is settled, scared, overwhelmed, excited, optimistic, confident, and finally regaining normalcy.

I know. This is all so vague, but you will just have to be patient. I'll probably be writing a lot now - we're getting close to finals week.

xoxo,
The Blonde

... She Discusses the Future.

When I was young, I told everyone that I wanted to be a teacher or a missionary. In my ten year old mind, it made sense. I loved bossing my siblings around and teaching them their ABCs and how to do math. I knew I was suppose to be a missionary from age seven, because I heard a missionary speak and felt convinced it was what I was suppose to do.

Well... almost ten years later, I feel the same way. But being a missionary is a lot more terrifying. Where do I go? How do I teach? The world is big and scary and dangerous. My family needs me. I don't want to go without a husband. I have no experience teaching, much less teaching in a foreign country. The fears start lining up. I could probably list fifty excuses for every reason to go.

Regardless of the excuses and fears, I know that I would GO when God told me to.

I would follow His Voice.

Mary Slessor, Amy Charmichael, Katie Davis, Gladas Howard (All incredible women of faith) went to their respective countries and changed lives. They went to some of the most terrifying places hand-in-hand with their Lord.

Could I do the same as them?

Would I?

I think so.

Lord, show me the way.

xoxo,
The Blonde