... She Reflects on the Self

Since the secularization of general, Western culture, the concept of the self rules how people perceive themselves and how they interact with others. Freud popularized the concept of the ego & the id. No longer are humans ruled by a higher being, but by their emotions and wills.

"But that is not the way you learned Christ!— assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:20-24

So, why am I bringing up rather philosophical ideas?

Because I just realized that I am ridiculously self-absorbed, selfish, and "self"- defined. Vocally, I claim to love others and have a passion for others. But actually, I just like how others perceive me when I "love" people well. I get excited about being well-liked and people that I do not immediately click with bother me deeply. I find meaning and purpose in how other people think of me.

Though I hate to admit it... my world has a lot to do with me and not a lot to do with Jesus.

"And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." Galatians 5:24

Jesus does not define me in my entirety. I try too hard to balance pleasing humans & pleasing God. I am more immediately concerned about people's feelings about me then what God thinks about me. I am willing to compromise my values and opinions to please others. Not so the other people are fulfilled, but so I can gain glory and affirmation.

I allow my immediate emotions to fuel my decisions. I let my "self" overcome my mouth and foolish words flow out. (Remember that proverb? Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. Not so pretty.)

I am so concerned with being perceived as being offensive, intimidating, or weird that I overcompensate with foolishness.

And yet at the same time, I am obsessed with maintaining a genuine representation of my (very strong) personality. I do not interact with people in a way that glorifies Christ. Instead, without even being aware, I allow my strong personality to trump other less-vocal personalities. And I take a warped pride in my strong personality. As if it is something worth preserving and maintaining. No. It is not at all.

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20 

To make things worst: the world confirms not condemns this awful part of my heart. Just think about it... A vast majority of ads are about building yourself up (VS for example is all about wearing sexy lingerie so, as a woman, you can feel empowered sexually. I am all for women's rights, but should my goal and identity be in how sexy & confident I feel - fully dressed or not?). In my English class we discuss about the discovery of self - as if by discovering yourself you are made absolutely complete (Which I take issue with on a lot of different levels. A) As a Christian, shouldn't our lives be about finding Christ and thus finding ourselves? B) My "self" is constantly adjusting the older I get, the more places I go, and the more people I meet. Even if I made my entire quest in life to "find myself" I never would. It is an elusive quest.). The Internet enables me to know anything from the fundamentals (and beyond) of astrophysics to how to build a car from scratch.  For a vast majority of college students, "the college experience" essentially gives you free licenses to do whatever your lustful heart & mind desires.

All around me, I hear:
Look inward. 
Life is about the self. 
You can't do anything except focus on yourself. 
You do you. 
I forgot that there is more to the world then myself.

Ouch. Nothing like your eyes to be opened to the brutally awful aspects of your soul.

And at the same time it feels good for this to be exposed. Raw & awful. Now that I understand that I have an obsession with myself - I can allow the Lord to work this gunk out of my being.

What would I do without you, Lord? I could not repair this soul well. Actually, I would probably make it worst and inflict a crippling bonus-shot of pride (which I already have in excess).

While seeing this Raw & Awful, I am realizing just how big the cross is. Jesus came to reconcile us to God. My prideful, self-filled heart does not glorify God. In fact, it is exactly the opposite of how God calls me to love others & die to myself. And yet, Jesus - The Son Of God - came to take the burden of sin. How can this be? I am unworthy - this selfish heart of mine is unworthy. 

I cannot go on walking both ways. I want to live entirely in Christ - not pleasing man or my self. I want to please him and live with my heart in submission to him. Jesus was unfairly judged and condemned for things he did not do. People are not going to like me and I am not always going to be dominant in relationships. Submitting my heart is hard. But so entirely necessary. And the Bible has a lot to say about this. (Including the verses I included earlier)

"And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:23

"For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it." Mark 8:35

"And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me." Matthew 10:38

"Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very the nature of God,
did not consider equality with God 
something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father."
Philippians 2:1-11

So, how am I going to walk forward - daily submitting my heart to the Lord and not to myself? 
Prayer & lots of it.
Reminding myself how raw & awful my heart is.  
Speaking the truth of the Bible lots & lots (The Bible is invaluable) 
Talk to close friends about what I've learned today (YAY accountability) 

xoxo, 
The Blonde

PS What I am listening to: Hope Church: Fight for Us (check it out here)