... She Just Complains.

So. 

Funny story. 

I wanted boots for Christmas (like these). 

Instead, I just have one.

And it's plastic - not leather.

And I can't wear it for more then 10 minutes or my foot swells up.

Why am I enduring this tragedy? Well. I loading up my car to come home from school (isn't this how every exciting story starts?). I was humming Christmas songs and generally thrilled to be leaving the dehumanizing place some like to call college (and the best years of your life - what a joke). There is a stairwell right next to my room that goes out into a tiny alley. I decided to pull my car in the alley and load it there. Less work and more convenient. 

I'm brilliant.

Not.

So I decided (to be more time efficient) to take all my stuff down the stairs right at the door to the alley. Success! I prop the door open and take my first bag out to the car.

I come back in and hear the alarm saying "Please shut door 7. Please shut door 7."

So. The ally isn't going to work. 

Then, I took everything back upstairs and to the other door. I had to push the very heavy door all the way open with my foot.

Everything was fine.

Then I walked back to my room and grabbed a huge handful of clothes.

I was walking to my car when I guess I stepped funny and broke my foot and sprained muscles in my foot. 

So, my first Christmas without my dad, I am stuck in a boot/with crutches, unable to exercise, cannot go far because of the swelling and pain, possibly not going to NYC, and 2 days after New Years I am getting my wisdom teeth removed.

Yup. 

It sucks.

Keeping it classy with a boot.

My mom pointed out that this might be God's way to making me be still and deal with my grief. But quite honestly,

I don't want to. 

I just want to have fun and make memories with my family, Philip, and my friends. I don't want to think about how much this sucks and hurts (now both literally and physically).

I don't want to call myself depressed. But I am struggling with feeling very despondent - and I have been for about a month. I try not to think about how I am feeling because then it makes it worse. So, I keep busy and surrounded with people. 
But I hate feeling sad - maybe that's what causes depression. Fighting too hard against the hardness of life instead of acknowledging it.

So here I am.

Lying in my bed.

Surrounded by the French I should be studying.

My foot propped up on some pillows with some ice. 

Tears lingering on my face.

And I am acknowledging that life just straight up sucks. But I can't fight it anymore. I can't fight the reality that my dad is gone from this world forever. I can't fight the fact that I hate my school. I can't fight the fact that I am scared to tell people how I am really feeling. I can't fight that complete change my life has undergone in the past 9 months. I can't fight the frustration that comes with a long distance relationship. I can't fight my lactose intolerance. I can't fight the fact that my foot is broken. I can't fight the fact that my family feels unorganized and lost. I can't fight the fact that I am lonely. I can't fight the overwhelming grief that will consume me at any given moment.

But I can also acknowledge that God is good. Somehow. Someway. My life feels like a train wreak. Problem upon problem piling up. But
He
Is
Good. 

He's destroying me and my idols to make something beautiful.

At least I hope so.

Because without that hope - life would be completely and utterly overwhelming.

So I complained a lot. 

But I feel better.

Writing is good for the soul, isn't it - vast world out there?

... She Contemplates Tears.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.” --Washington Irving

... She Expresses Her Lonliness

Dear Vast, Unknown World,

How is it possible to be on a college campus of several thousand and yet feel alone?

Why didn’t anyone tell me about how hard the transition from living with my family to college would be so hard?

Classes are fine. Not to toot my own horn, but I am a good student. I am good at managing my time and grasping the concepts. I am willing to ask for help when I need it.

But this loneliness is very oppressive.

I am ready to have friends.

I want to have friends.

I’ve been lonely before, but never in such a profound way.

The hardest, or oddest, part is that people do like me. They want to spend time with me. The girls on my hall seek me out to eat food together, to talk, and to go to the gym. But ultimately, I don’t go out and party. 

I have no desire. 

However, because I’ve made the decision to not do something that they are actively participating in, there is separation. A wedge in out relationship. I’ve been placed in this uncomfortable position before, but I have not had to live in it.

Yet, at the same time, I love being different. I love being a Light for Jesus. In my sheltered life, I never had to stand up for what I believed in and it be abnormal. Being "Christian-Like" was the expected norm - not the abnormal. 

So, I am living in a paradox. I don't like not having close friends, BUT I am not willing to compromise my convictions. I love Jesus more. 

People often ask me why I don't "go out." I give a variety of answers depending on how interested they are. If I had opportunity this is what I would say:

Going out is not the problem. There is nothing wrong then getting together with a group friends and having fun. I love having fun! But my definition of "having fun" has nothing to do with drugs, sex, and alcohol. It's not that I have an intrinsic problem with "partying" - it's what happens at parties. 

I have no desire to hear uncouth, rude, drunken comments/conversations. 

I have no desire to see people hooking up.

 I have no desire to hold my friend's hair back as she's puking her guts up at a "good party." 

I have no desire to smell the alcohol and drugs.

 I don't like club music. 

I have no need to go meet "the best friends of my life" at a "crazy awesome" party. 

I have an incredible boyfriend - I don't need to meet any guys. 

Ultimately, I want to honor God with my life. I want to be a light for Christ and how can I do that when I'm just like everyone else?  

But back to my loneliness. As I sit here and think about it, I am not sure if it is all rooted in my lack of friends. On the grief "journey" chart, loneliness was one of the emotions of grief. I think that could play a huge part in what I am feeling. The thought of trying to expressing what I am feeling makes me want to cry. 

Not only tears of grief, but tears of failure.

Tears of inability. 

Tears of dread

Tears of healing.

Tears of insignificance. 

Tears of frustation. 

Tears of anger. 

Tears of _________________.

How can this be redeemed? 

How can I use my loneliness to honor Christ?

How can I use my story & my grief to be a Light for Jesus?

How can I become more of the woman that Christ wants me to be?

So many questions. And so I turn to the Maker of delicate flowers, babies, and thunderstorms. The God. The One and the Only God who loves me - and you - passionately. He loves me more then anyone else can in the world. My identity must be found in the one who loves me the most. Earthly love is fantastic - mind-blowingly so. But ultimately, God died for me. He wants to be with me. He wants to be with you. The mere fact He bridged the gap between my sin and his perfect, unimaginable perfection quickens my heart. Just reflecting on the gift of Christ gives me courage to face tomorrow. And I will do so. And with a fierce determination to grasp the joy found in Christ.

Until next time,
The Blonde