... She Expresses Her Lonliness

Dear Vast, Unknown World,

How is it possible to be on a college campus of several thousand and yet feel alone?

Why didn’t anyone tell me about how hard the transition from living with my family to college would be so hard?

Classes are fine. Not to toot my own horn, but I am a good student. I am good at managing my time and grasping the concepts. I am willing to ask for help when I need it.

But this loneliness is very oppressive.

I am ready to have friends.

I want to have friends.

I’ve been lonely before, but never in such a profound way.

The hardest, or oddest, part is that people do like me. They want to spend time with me. The girls on my hall seek me out to eat food together, to talk, and to go to the gym. But ultimately, I don’t go out and party. 

I have no desire. 

However, because I’ve made the decision to not do something that they are actively participating in, there is separation. A wedge in out relationship. I’ve been placed in this uncomfortable position before, but I have not had to live in it.

Yet, at the same time, I love being different. I love being a Light for Jesus. In my sheltered life, I never had to stand up for what I believed in and it be abnormal. Being "Christian-Like" was the expected norm - not the abnormal. 

So, I am living in a paradox. I don't like not having close friends, BUT I am not willing to compromise my convictions. I love Jesus more. 

People often ask me why I don't "go out." I give a variety of answers depending on how interested they are. If I had opportunity this is what I would say:

Going out is not the problem. There is nothing wrong then getting together with a group friends and having fun. I love having fun! But my definition of "having fun" has nothing to do with drugs, sex, and alcohol. It's not that I have an intrinsic problem with "partying" - it's what happens at parties. 

I have no desire to hear uncouth, rude, drunken comments/conversations. 

I have no desire to see people hooking up.

 I have no desire to hold my friend's hair back as she's puking her guts up at a "good party." 

I have no desire to smell the alcohol and drugs.

 I don't like club music. 

I have no need to go meet "the best friends of my life" at a "crazy awesome" party. 

I have an incredible boyfriend - I don't need to meet any guys. 

Ultimately, I want to honor God with my life. I want to be a light for Christ and how can I do that when I'm just like everyone else?  

But back to my loneliness. As I sit here and think about it, I am not sure if it is all rooted in my lack of friends. On the grief "journey" chart, loneliness was one of the emotions of grief. I think that could play a huge part in what I am feeling. The thought of trying to expressing what I am feeling makes me want to cry. 

Not only tears of grief, but tears of failure.

Tears of inability. 

Tears of dread

Tears of healing.

Tears of insignificance. 

Tears of frustation. 

Tears of anger. 

Tears of _________________.

How can this be redeemed? 

How can I use my loneliness to honor Christ?

How can I use my story & my grief to be a Light for Jesus?

How can I become more of the woman that Christ wants me to be?

So many questions. And so I turn to the Maker of delicate flowers, babies, and thunderstorms. The God. The One and the Only God who loves me - and you - passionately. He loves me more then anyone else can in the world. My identity must be found in the one who loves me the most. Earthly love is fantastic - mind-blowingly so. But ultimately, God died for me. He wants to be with me. He wants to be with you. The mere fact He bridged the gap between my sin and his perfect, unimaginable perfection quickens my heart. Just reflecting on the gift of Christ gives me courage to face tomorrow. And I will do so. And with a fierce determination to grasp the joy found in Christ.

Until next time,
The Blonde

... Rambling is ok.

1:13 am. 

Songza (aka an app only inspired by God - seriously - go download it) is playing a relaxing playlist. 

My bed is calling my name. 

My mind whirls in 5 million different directions. 

To God's plan for my life.

The Future. 

College.

Dad.

Philip.

My poison ivy covered legs (one reason I am up tonight - I am on medicine that has many side effects including, but not limited to: inexplainable happiness, mood swings, bloating, acne break outs, and inability to sleep).

I have a deep desire to live my life glorifying my God. My God who created the brilliant stars that polka-dot the night sky. He who authored the plan of eternal salvation. He who formed me and wrote out my days before I took a whiff of oxygen. Why would I not want to honor him? I want my actions HERE and NOW to be a brilliant light house in the darkness. I want to pierce the oppressive night with hope, joy, grace, and point eyes to salvation.

Yet, Grief.

A stumbling block in my path. 

It feels blinding and oppessive. 

The epitome of darkness. 

How am I suppose to live my life full and completely with my adored Daddy suddenly snatched from this reckless world by no choice of his own?

How am I suppose to adjust to college naturally with the fresh taste of grief lingering in my life? 

How can I live my life free of regrets and untainted from the negative effects of grief?

I hold onto the words uttered by God in Jeremiah 29: "For I know the plans I have for you plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you and will bring you back from captivity."

What an incredible promise.