... She Reflects & Repents

How am I doing? 

If it was anyone else besides the internet asking me this, I would say, "Great!" and flash my megawatt smile and turn the conversation on them. 

But that's not really how I am. 

I am lonely. Tired. Bummed. Confused. 

God is stretching me almost to my breaking point.  

Ever since Dad died, I feel this entitlement to joy, happiness, and an easy life. I experienced death in an incredibly upclose and personal way. In America, most people don't die until their too old to care about going on living. My dad was 45. That is ridiculously young.  My peers have no idea about the depth of death. The burden. It is always in the back of your mind. The anxiety, fear, grief, and anger threatening to overcome at any moment. The physical aspect. For months after dad died, I had flashbacks and searing flashes of pain. PTSS (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrom is the official name. It is often found in rape victims or military personel)   

This mental battle is enough. I don't need anymore discomfort. 

But The Lord is faithful to rip away my entitlements and show me that He desires more from me. 

This summer, in one word, sucks. All I do is go to work and help my mom (she jokes I'm acting like her wife). While it is definitely what I need to do, it is hard to have such a narrow life. The women at my work keep asking me if I'm having any fun this summer. I say of course and list off the really fun things I have done (One Direction Concert, Bay trip, seeing a musical and camp). What they don't understand, nor anyone else, is that those "fun" things were bookended with the work of life. The fun is kind of sapped from them. When I try to see my friends, they are all busy or have made other plans with each other. I literally have no social life. 

At least I have my sisters. They're wonderful. Most of the time. Hannah and I definitely have our moments of hating each other and Meg and I argue over clothes constantly, but I still love them. And we have a lot of fun together. Like last night. We were suppose to be purging our bathrooms of junk (so when people look through our house they aren't appalled and so moving is easier). The purge turned into a spa night mixed into cleaning out our bathrooms. 

This lack of social life and having to choose to do the hard thing over the fun thing is breaking me. It is stripping me of my entitlements and forcing me to become an adult.

It's hard not to resent my mom or God. I really don't want to loose my entitlements and I want to have fun. They are forcing me not to. 

In true confession, I don't want to spend time with either of them, because they will convict me of my resentment and despondent heart. 

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS. 

I love my mom. 

I love my Lord Jesus. 

I hate myself for resenting them. 

How do I change my heart? 

I can't, but Lord you are faithful. Please, change my heart. Help to see my purpose this summer and have a joyful heart regardless of my circumstances. You are faithful and good.

xoxo, 

The Blonde

Psalm 51:1-12

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
and justified when you judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

... She Catches the Whole Wide World Up on Life

I am so glad that this blog is really for myself. Otherwise I would feel pressure to write everyday (or every month) and that just is not a realistic expectation. 

That being said, it's been almost two months since I wrote on here. In my mind I am constantly composing posts and generally narrating my life. But it takes a lot of effort and time to sit down and write a blog post. Not really, but I do have a lot going on in my life. 

Since I last wrote... 

I wrote a bajillion papers. 

Took a couple of midterms. 

Packed up my dorm room. 

Helped friends pack their rooms. 

Said goodbye to some of my best friends for the summer. 

Went home for four days. 

Went to InterVarsity camp for a week (it was really fun and helped get my heart and mind focused on Christ). 

Started work. 

Moved into my tiny room at home. 

Started summer school. 

Went to the bay for Labor Day weekend. 

My family decided to move

Found land & the style of house we are going to build. (Hint: It's beautiful). 

Turned 19. 

Celebrated birthdays and graduations. 

Chilled with cousins. 

Bonded with friends. 

Attended a gorgeous wedding. 

Experienced my first school board meeting (A guy called God's wrath down on the school board :o). 

And spent time with the fam. 

Needless to say my days are busy and my heart is often rushed. I would be naive and conceited to say that I am the only one feeling rushed in heart & mind as well as disconnected from my Lord. 

How often does life fly by without reflection on the glory of God? 

Do you find that your heart is often hoping on things other then God? Things like time management  looking attractive, affirmation from the opposite sex, friendships, family, etc. I most definitely do. But then I have days like today. 

Days where I wake up & my heart longs for Christ. I turn on my ipod and the music sounds insufficient and weak. It does not fill me - no matter how loud it sounds or how much the music connects with my situation. My conversations with people seem fake and forced. Everywhere I go, I cannot escape my soul crying for time spent with Christ - reflecting on His Word and the reality of who He is. 

When I do not spend time with Christ, I forget the reality of God. In the world full of God's design, creativity, and deity, I loose sight of him in my own plans and my selfish desires. 

But then we intervenes. 

He speaks quietly to my heart. Sending reminders of his glory and his importance in my life.

Yesterday, Psalm 46:10 appeared constantly. I think I saw/heard it in five different contexts. 

"He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations; I will be exalted in the earth."

Be still, Hallie. Know who I am. Know that regardless of what you do or say, I will be known and worshiped throughout the entire earth. I am worthy of this praise, but I do not need it. I am more then enough for you. You get so wrapped up in your own plans and ideals that you loose sight of my awesome, infinite, astounding, fear-inspiring, grand deity.

Humbling to say the least.


And then He puts other verses in my life to further remind me to be still and know that He is God.

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:5-8

Um. Wow.

No matter how insane my life might feel. Not matter the pressure I feel to be strong for my family - mom especially. No matter how overwhelmed and out of control I am. No matter the situation. God is my foundation and consolation. I can trust him & confide in him. And no matter what I do or say, he will protect me from the fiercest assault.

Be still & know.

xoxo,
The Blonde