... She is surprised that Miley Cyrus actually has talent

Call me hater, but I always assumed that Miley was a Disney girl who was forced to sing in order to make more money.

And now she is not classy (or even cute - what is with her short platinum hair?).

But then...

I stumbled upon these gems:

Are you as impressed as I am?

Just thought you would want to be in as much awe as I am.

True talent.

xoxo,
The Blonde

... She hopes in glory

I love journaling. I always have.

Journals starting in 3rd grade are stored in a special bin in my attic. When I want to reminisce  I pull out those journals. My crush of the week from 4th grade is revealed (and a giggle tumbles out of my mouth before I can stop it). The angst of the early teen years fills journals. My heart goes out to the 13 year old me - if only I knew then all that I know now. The heartbreaks, many joys, and random stories of high school are recorded. All so I can look back and remember. 

But sometimes I want to throw what I am thinking out into the vast unknown, unexplored world. It makes me feel validated as a human. 

So, world. What am I thinking about tonight? 

The past year & Romans 8. 

The amount that I was forced to grow up in the past year overwhelms me. I didn't especially desire to grow up to the extent that I have, but I am glad. This is who I am - bruised, broken, & refined.

My heart is beginning to begin to understand what it means to reveal in the Lord. To find the hope of glory. And that alone makes me rejoice. Who would not want to be in close communion with their Lord? 

He is so real

And active. 

And worthy of our awe and respect.

My heart rejoices because I trust in Him. 

And I would not have been able to say that even three weeks ago. But I was forced to deal with emotions about my dad I was terrified to process. 

What were they? 

Well, I don't want to completely bare my soul to the world, so here are the highlights:

- Anger at God for taking my dad from me; 

- The deep disappointment that comes with loss; 

- Not wanting to be strong;

- Feeling fake (I started processing that in my previous entry); 

- Feeling hollow & lacking depth of emotion 

So, I am learning what to do with these emotions and how to talk to Him about it and even acknowledge it. 

And how to talk to others about it. I hate talking about my dad with people. Not on surface level - I can do that. But going any deeper is scary, unknown, and real. 

I can write all I want, but when I say it out loud it is cemented. It cannot be retracted. 

I also feel like a burden to other people. They don't want to hear my stories and random, often inexplicable feelings. Plus, if I tell them - then they know something deep about me. Something precious and sacred. Holy territory. 

But I want to tell people. I want to spill my guts and say everything that weighs my heart down. I want relief and to share the burden even for a moment. So, dear reader of this post, or even the cold, unknown world wide web, I am letting you in. Congrats. You know me better then anyone else. 

Damn it (I am not even apologizing). Why is it so hard? 

But 

The hope of glory never ceases. It may dim, but it is always there. 

For example, the week of the one year anniversary of dad passing away, my eyes fell upon this verse: 

"So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy"

John 16:22

My eyes fill with tears just thinking about it. It was like he spoke directly to my heart and gave me permission to be in grief. Talk about freedom. 

Romans 8. 

Have you read it all in one sitting? (It can be rather difficult - there is just so much wonderfulness in one chapter.)

Give it a go.

I am inserting the Message translation because it gives a unique twist to it all. 

(Plus I love reading the same chapter/verse in different translations)

8 ^1-2 With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ’s being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.

^3-4 God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn’t deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. The law code, weakened as it always was by fractured human nature, could never have done that.

The law always ended up being used as a Band-Aid on sin instead of a deep healing of it. And now what the law code asked for but we couldn’t deliver is accomplished as we, instead of redoubling our own efforts, simply embrace what the Spirit is doing in us.

^5-8 Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God’s action in them find that God’s Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. And God isn’t pleased at being ignored.

^9-11 But if God himself has taken up residence in your life, you can hardly be thinking more of yourself than of him. Anyone, of course, who has not welcomed this invisible but clearly present God, the Spirit of Christ, won’t know what we’re talking about. But for you who welcome him, in whom he dwells—even though you still experience all the limitations of sin—you yourself experience life on God’s terms. It stands to reason, doesn’t it, that if the alive-and-present God who raised Jesus from the dead moves into your life, he’ll do the same thing in you that he did in Jesus, bringing you alive to himself? When God lives and breathes in you (and he does, as surely as he did in Jesus), you are delivered from that dead life. With his Spirit living in you, your body will be as alive as Christ’s!

^12-14 So don’t you see that we don’t owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There’s nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God’s Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!

^15-17 This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what’s coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we’re certainly going to go through the good times with him!

^18-21 That’s why I don’t think there’s any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what’s coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.

^22-25 All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around us; it’s within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We’re also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

^26-28 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

^29-30 God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.

^31-39 So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God’s chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We’re sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.

None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us."

Wow. I could spend years talking about this chapter. 

So, I am just going to leave it without any commentary.

Except, 

Bless the Lord oh my soul. 

Thank you for listening to my rambling. 

XOXO,

The Blonde

PS Check out www.setapartgirl.com & download all of these (it's free AND legal) http://noisetrade.com/pageandautumn 

... Tears Are Shed

All I can do right now is cry. 

That cry that just bubbles up from the bottom of your soul and comes spewing out. 

That cry that leaves your face red and nose runny. 

That cry that you hate to have, but really need it. 

The private cry. 

It is the eve eve of the 11th monthaversary of Dad passing away. 

Last night I dreamed that I was hanging out with him. I looked at him laughing and said, "We all thought we had lost you, but it's not true. You're here. How could we miss you?"

I wish with all my heart that dreams came true. 

This month is the last month of being in the "first year" of grieving. (Whoever says time alleviates the pain of missing and makes grief less intense is wrong. You just plug into it less). Honestly, the thought scares me. I fear people discrediting the intensity of loss ("Well it has been over a year, she is probably getting over it now."). Or just not knowing. 

Do you know how painful it is to constantly be with people who did not know my dad? He was so incredible. I just want everyone to know him. 

Can I unloose him?

I am so tired of being strong and put together. 

I just want to be pathetic and cry and grieve. 

But I can't. That's not how life works. Unfortunately (and fortunately) it keeps moving forward. Another paper to write. Another friend to love. Another relationship to invest in. 

Sometimes life seems hollow and lacking flavor. 

Zest. 

My facade of strength is just that - A FACADE. 

Can anyone see through it?

My personal pride (and personality) recoils at my fakeness. 

Do you see me? I laugh and smile and talk and engage. But the words and actions just echo in the hollow of my soul.

What if I answer truthfully to "How are you doing today?" What if I said, "Honestly, I stil don't know who I am or who to trust or how to truly function." 

What would people say?

They would probably cringe and run away. "This little blonde is a mess," they would think. "One that makes me uncomfortable with my life. I don't know how to talk to her or act around her. She's too real. She's too broken."

I guess ultimately I am looking for affirmation from the wrong places. I am looking for my strength from myself & my security from others. 

Instead, I should be leaning on Christ - trusting in his support and (when I gain the strength) looking into his eyes and know that I am loved and whole - no matter how broken. 

And messed up. 

And sinful.

And fake. 

He is still good. 

I am learning to trust him. It is still hard. But he gives me the faith I need. Faith I cannot orchestrate or even imagine. He is so good. 

Lord, 
Thank you for your goodness and your love. Why do you dispose your grace upon me? I am stubborn and proud and my heart is so sinful. I am so sorry. I want to trust and rely on you. Please give me the faith to do so and the tenacity to attack the hardships of life with courage (and, more importantly, with YOU!). 
This sucks. But you are good. Somehow. Someway. You are good. And I love you. In a sinful, imperfect, selfish way. 
I love you. 
Your worn out, beaten down, & cried out girl,
A Blonde

So, great world. Thanks for listening. My heart feels lighter and my eyes are dry (and puffy). 

Until next time. 
xoxo

... She Talks About a Book & a Resolution

I'm back at school.
I have good days.
I have bad days.

But the recent snow flurries have made life glistening with magical whitenss.

The fact The Boyfriend isn't here makes it a little less wonderful.
And a little sad.

(Want to know a secret?
I miss him a lot.)

Anyways, my relationship with My Jesus is growing deeper and deeper. He is really working on my heart, my mind, my soul. I need him. I want to focus on him more.

One way I am learning more about him is with this book:

There is no way to begin to describe how this book is impacting my life. It is reinventing my heart. My prayer life. My relationship with My Jesus.I highly suggest it!

Another blessing in my life is found in a New Years Resolution (yes. cliche. I know.)I made a resolution to record 1000 gifts - big or little. I did not expect it to have such an impact on my heart. (I look forward to recording my 3 gifts of the day) It is helping my focus on what is good in my life. 
The positives. 

I think my natural optimistic, joyful self is starting to grow again. 

So thankful. 

... She is thankful

Last post I complained.

Now I will be thankful.

Philippians 4 says, "rejoice in The Lord always, again I say rejoice".

Wow. That's a commandment. Always? It's so easy to say that verse and not think about the implications. Quite honestly, thankfulness is not my greatest skill right now.

It's hard to be thankful when life is complicated and burdensome.

So, in order encourage a heart of thankfulness, I am starting a thankfulist.

First 18 (cause I'm 18) in no particular order:

1) Having 17 years of memories with my dad.

2) A fabulous family - they're fun to be with and incredibly supportive.

3) Normally, all my appendages work just fine. I'm so thankful I'm not an amputee or have a chronic illness.

4) Good doctors

5) An incredible boyfriend that I absolutely do not deserve. He wants to be with me even when I'm frustrated and hurting (and hurt him).

6) My friends - both at school and at home. They're incredible and oh so much fun! I love the adventures we go on and the memories we make!

7) God's incredible love for me. He sent his Son to die for me - so my sinfulness could be forgiven and I can live with him forever. Can I get an amen?:)

8) Sunny days with fluffy white clouds

9) An outfit that just feels good.

10) I am so blessed to be able to go to such an incredible university.

11) Having my own room (though tiny, it's adorable)

12) Incredible professors. I may not agree with them on everything but they are positively brilliant!

13) Parents who encouraged my heart for people and for missions.

14) My church - I've only been attending since the beginning of the school year but it has positively changed my life.

15) The beach - specifically the one I have been going to all my life. So many incredible memories - sail boating, long walks, star gazing, deep conversations, etc.

16) DONE WITH FRENCH FOREVER! Languages are not my strength. The exam today was definitely not my best.

17) My siblings are the best! I literally laugh the hardest for the longest with them.

18) Words - they just feel delicious to the soul.

... She Just Complains.

So. 

Funny story. 

I wanted boots for Christmas (like these). 

Instead, I just have one.

And it's plastic - not leather.

And I can't wear it for more then 10 minutes or my foot swells up.

Why am I enduring this tragedy? Well. I loading up my car to come home from school (isn't this how every exciting story starts?). I was humming Christmas songs and generally thrilled to be leaving the dehumanizing place some like to call college (and the best years of your life - what a joke). There is a stairwell right next to my room that goes out into a tiny alley. I decided to pull my car in the alley and load it there. Less work and more convenient. 

I'm brilliant.

Not.

So I decided (to be more time efficient) to take all my stuff down the stairs right at the door to the alley. Success! I prop the door open and take my first bag out to the car.

I come back in and hear the alarm saying "Please shut door 7. Please shut door 7."

So. The ally isn't going to work. 

Then, I took everything back upstairs and to the other door. I had to push the very heavy door all the way open with my foot.

Everything was fine.

Then I walked back to my room and grabbed a huge handful of clothes.

I was walking to my car when I guess I stepped funny and broke my foot and sprained muscles in my foot. 

So, my first Christmas without my dad, I am stuck in a boot/with crutches, unable to exercise, cannot go far because of the swelling and pain, possibly not going to NYC, and 2 days after New Years I am getting my wisdom teeth removed.

Yup. 

It sucks.

Keeping it classy with a boot.

My mom pointed out that this might be God's way to making me be still and deal with my grief. But quite honestly,

I don't want to. 

I just want to have fun and make memories with my family, Philip, and my friends. I don't want to think about how much this sucks and hurts (now both literally and physically).

I don't want to call myself depressed. But I am struggling with feeling very despondent - and I have been for about a month. I try not to think about how I am feeling because then it makes it worse. So, I keep busy and surrounded with people. 
But I hate feeling sad - maybe that's what causes depression. Fighting too hard against the hardness of life instead of acknowledging it.

So here I am.

Lying in my bed.

Surrounded by the French I should be studying.

My foot propped up on some pillows with some ice. 

Tears lingering on my face.

And I am acknowledging that life just straight up sucks. But I can't fight it anymore. I can't fight the reality that my dad is gone from this world forever. I can't fight the fact that I hate my school. I can't fight the fact that I am scared to tell people how I am really feeling. I can't fight that complete change my life has undergone in the past 9 months. I can't fight the frustration that comes with a long distance relationship. I can't fight my lactose intolerance. I can't fight the fact that my foot is broken. I can't fight the fact that my family feels unorganized and lost. I can't fight the fact that I am lonely. I can't fight the overwhelming grief that will consume me at any given moment.

But I can also acknowledge that God is good. Somehow. Someway. My life feels like a train wreak. Problem upon problem piling up. But
He
Is
Good. 

He's destroying me and my idols to make something beautiful.

At least I hope so.

Because without that hope - life would be completely and utterly overwhelming.

So I complained a lot. 

But I feel better.

Writing is good for the soul, isn't it - vast world out there?

... She Quotes Some Tolkien

'Yes, that's so,' said Sam. 'And we shouldn't be here at all, if we'd known more about it before we started. But I suppose it's often that way. The brave things in the old tales and songs, Mr. Frodo: adventures, as I used to call them. I used to think that they were things the wonderful folk of the stories went out and looked for, because they wanted them, because they were exciting and life was a bit dull, a kind of a sport, as you might say. But that's not the way of it with the tales that really mattered, or the ones that stay in the mind. Folk seem to have been just landed in them, usually – their paths were laid that way, as you put it. But I expect they had lots of chances, like us, of turning back, only they didn't. And if they had, we shouldn't know, because they'd have been forgotten. We hear about those as just went on – and not all to a good end, mind you; at least not to what folk inside a story and not outside it call a good end. You know, coming home, and finding things all right, though not quite the same – like old Mr Bilbo. But those aren't always the best tales to hear, though they may be the best tales to get landed in! I wonder what sort of a tale we've fallen into?'




“It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end… because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing… this shadow. Even darkness must pass."