All I can do right now is cry.
That cry that just bubbles up from the bottom of your soul and comes spewing out.
That cry that leaves your face red and nose runny.
That cry that you hate to have, but really need it.
The private cry.
It is the eve eve of the 11th monthaversary of Dad passing away.
Last night I dreamed that I was hanging out with him. I looked at him laughing and said, "We all thought we had lost you, but it's not true. You're here. How could we miss you?"
I wish with all my heart that dreams came true.
This month is the last month of being in the "first year" of grieving. (Whoever says time alleviates the pain of missing and makes grief less intense is wrong. You just plug into it less). Honestly, the thought scares me. I fear people discrediting the intensity of loss ("Well it has been over a year, she is probably getting over it now."). Or just not knowing.
Do you know how painful it is to constantly be with people who did not know my dad? He was so incredible. I just want everyone to know him.
Can I unloose him?
I am so tired of being strong and put together.
I just want to be pathetic and cry and grieve.
But I can't. That's not how life works. Unfortunately (and fortunately) it keeps moving forward. Another paper to write. Another friend to love. Another relationship to invest in.
Sometimes life seems hollow and lacking flavor.
Zest.
My facade of strength is just that - A FACADE.
Can anyone see through it?
My personal pride (and personality) recoils at my fakeness.
Do you see me? I laugh and smile and talk and engage. But the words and actions just echo in the hollow of my soul.
What if I answer truthfully to "How are you doing today?" What if I said, "Honestly, I stil don't know who I am or who to trust or how to truly function."
What would people say?
They would probably cringe and run away. "This little blonde is a mess," they would think. "One that makes me uncomfortable with my life. I don't know how to talk to her or act around her. She's too real. She's too broken."
I guess ultimately I am looking for affirmation from the wrong places. I am looking for my strength from myself & my security from others.
Instead, I should be leaning on Christ - trusting in his support and (when I gain the strength) looking into his eyes and know that I am loved and whole - no matter how broken.
And messed up.
And sinful.
And fake.
He is still good.
I am learning to trust him. It is still hard. But he gives me the faith I need. Faith I cannot orchestrate or even imagine. He is so good.
Lord,
Thank you for your goodness and your love. Why do you dispose your grace upon me? I am stubborn and proud and my heart is so sinful. I am so sorry. I want to trust and rely on you. Please give me the faith to do so and the tenacity to attack the hardships of life with courage (and, more importantly, with YOU!).
This sucks. But you are good. Somehow. Someway. You are good. And I love you. In a sinful, imperfect, selfish way.
I love you.
Your worn out, beaten down, & cried out girl,
A Blonde
So, great world. Thanks for listening. My heart feels lighter and my eyes are dry (and puffy).
Until next time.
xoxo
