... She is thankful

Last post I complained.

Now I will be thankful.

Philippians 4 says, "rejoice in The Lord always, again I say rejoice".

Wow. That's a commandment. Always? It's so easy to say that verse and not think about the implications. Quite honestly, thankfulness is not my greatest skill right now.

It's hard to be thankful when life is complicated and burdensome.

So, in order encourage a heart of thankfulness, I am starting a thankfulist.

First 18 (cause I'm 18) in no particular order:

1) Having 17 years of memories with my dad.

2) A fabulous family - they're fun to be with and incredibly supportive.

3) Normally, all my appendages work just fine. I'm so thankful I'm not an amputee or have a chronic illness.

4) Good doctors

5) An incredible boyfriend that I absolutely do not deserve. He wants to be with me even when I'm frustrated and hurting (and hurt him).

6) My friends - both at school and at home. They're incredible and oh so much fun! I love the adventures we go on and the memories we make!

7) God's incredible love for me. He sent his Son to die for me - so my sinfulness could be forgiven and I can live with him forever. Can I get an amen?:)

8) Sunny days with fluffy white clouds

9) An outfit that just feels good.

10) I am so blessed to be able to go to such an incredible university.

11) Having my own room (though tiny, it's adorable)

12) Incredible professors. I may not agree with them on everything but they are positively brilliant!

13) Parents who encouraged my heart for people and for missions.

14) My church - I've only been attending since the beginning of the school year but it has positively changed my life.

15) The beach - specifically the one I have been going to all my life. So many incredible memories - sail boating, long walks, star gazing, deep conversations, etc.

16) DONE WITH FRENCH FOREVER! Languages are not my strength. The exam today was definitely not my best.

17) My siblings are the best! I literally laugh the hardest for the longest with them.

18) Words - they just feel delicious to the soul.

... She Just Complains.

So. 

Funny story. 

I wanted boots for Christmas (like these). 

Instead, I just have one.

And it's plastic - not leather.

And I can't wear it for more then 10 minutes or my foot swells up.

Why am I enduring this tragedy? Well. I loading up my car to come home from school (isn't this how every exciting story starts?). I was humming Christmas songs and generally thrilled to be leaving the dehumanizing place some like to call college (and the best years of your life - what a joke). There is a stairwell right next to my room that goes out into a tiny alley. I decided to pull my car in the alley and load it there. Less work and more convenient. 

I'm brilliant.

Not.

So I decided (to be more time efficient) to take all my stuff down the stairs right at the door to the alley. Success! I prop the door open and take my first bag out to the car.

I come back in and hear the alarm saying "Please shut door 7. Please shut door 7."

So. The ally isn't going to work. 

Then, I took everything back upstairs and to the other door. I had to push the very heavy door all the way open with my foot.

Everything was fine.

Then I walked back to my room and grabbed a huge handful of clothes.

I was walking to my car when I guess I stepped funny and broke my foot and sprained muscles in my foot. 

So, my first Christmas without my dad, I am stuck in a boot/with crutches, unable to exercise, cannot go far because of the swelling and pain, possibly not going to NYC, and 2 days after New Years I am getting my wisdom teeth removed.

Yup. 

It sucks.

Keeping it classy with a boot.

My mom pointed out that this might be God's way to making me be still and deal with my grief. But quite honestly,

I don't want to. 

I just want to have fun and make memories with my family, Philip, and my friends. I don't want to think about how much this sucks and hurts (now both literally and physically).

I don't want to call myself depressed. But I am struggling with feeling very despondent - and I have been for about a month. I try not to think about how I am feeling because then it makes it worse. So, I keep busy and surrounded with people. 
But I hate feeling sad - maybe that's what causes depression. Fighting too hard against the hardness of life instead of acknowledging it.

So here I am.

Lying in my bed.

Surrounded by the French I should be studying.

My foot propped up on some pillows with some ice. 

Tears lingering on my face.

And I am acknowledging that life just straight up sucks. But I can't fight it anymore. I can't fight the reality that my dad is gone from this world forever. I can't fight the fact that I hate my school. I can't fight the fact that I am scared to tell people how I am really feeling. I can't fight that complete change my life has undergone in the past 9 months. I can't fight the frustration that comes with a long distance relationship. I can't fight my lactose intolerance. I can't fight the fact that my foot is broken. I can't fight the fact that my family feels unorganized and lost. I can't fight the fact that I am lonely. I can't fight the overwhelming grief that will consume me at any given moment.

But I can also acknowledge that God is good. Somehow. Someway. My life feels like a train wreak. Problem upon problem piling up. But
He
Is
Good. 

He's destroying me and my idols to make something beautiful.

At least I hope so.

Because without that hope - life would be completely and utterly overwhelming.

So I complained a lot. 

But I feel better.

Writing is good for the soul, isn't it - vast world out there?