... She is thankful

Last post I complained.

Now I will be thankful.

Philippians 4 says, "rejoice in The Lord always, again I say rejoice".

Wow. That's a commandment. Always? It's so easy to say that verse and not think about the implications. Quite honestly, thankfulness is not my greatest skill right now.

It's hard to be thankful when life is complicated and burdensome.

So, in order encourage a heart of thankfulness, I am starting a thankfulist.

First 18 (cause I'm 18) in no particular order:

1) Having 17 years of memories with my dad.

2) A fabulous family - they're fun to be with and incredibly supportive.

3) Normally, all my appendages work just fine. I'm so thankful I'm not an amputee or have a chronic illness.

4) Good doctors

5) An incredible boyfriend that I absolutely do not deserve. He wants to be with me even when I'm frustrated and hurting (and hurt him).

6) My friends - both at school and at home. They're incredible and oh so much fun! I love the adventures we go on and the memories we make!

7) God's incredible love for me. He sent his Son to die for me - so my sinfulness could be forgiven and I can live with him forever. Can I get an amen?:)

8) Sunny days with fluffy white clouds

9) An outfit that just feels good.

10) I am so blessed to be able to go to such an incredible university.

11) Having my own room (though tiny, it's adorable)

12) Incredible professors. I may not agree with them on everything but they are positively brilliant!

13) Parents who encouraged my heart for people and for missions.

14) My church - I've only been attending since the beginning of the school year but it has positively changed my life.

15) The beach - specifically the one I have been going to all my life. So many incredible memories - sail boating, long walks, star gazing, deep conversations, etc.

16) DONE WITH FRENCH FOREVER! Languages are not my strength. The exam today was definitely not my best.

17) My siblings are the best! I literally laugh the hardest for the longest with them.

18) Words - they just feel delicious to the soul.

... She Just Complains.

So. 

Funny story. 

I wanted boots for Christmas (like these). 

Instead, I just have one.

And it's plastic - not leather.

And I can't wear it for more then 10 minutes or my foot swells up.

Why am I enduring this tragedy? Well. I loading up my car to come home from school (isn't this how every exciting story starts?). I was humming Christmas songs and generally thrilled to be leaving the dehumanizing place some like to call college (and the best years of your life - what a joke). There is a stairwell right next to my room that goes out into a tiny alley. I decided to pull my car in the alley and load it there. Less work and more convenient. 

I'm brilliant.

Not.

So I decided (to be more time efficient) to take all my stuff down the stairs right at the door to the alley. Success! I prop the door open and take my first bag out to the car.

I come back in and hear the alarm saying "Please shut door 7. Please shut door 7."

So. The ally isn't going to work. 

Then, I took everything back upstairs and to the other door. I had to push the very heavy door all the way open with my foot.

Everything was fine.

Then I walked back to my room and grabbed a huge handful of clothes.

I was walking to my car when I guess I stepped funny and broke my foot and sprained muscles in my foot. 

So, my first Christmas without my dad, I am stuck in a boot/with crutches, unable to exercise, cannot go far because of the swelling and pain, possibly not going to NYC, and 2 days after New Years I am getting my wisdom teeth removed.

Yup. 

It sucks.

Keeping it classy with a boot.

My mom pointed out that this might be God's way to making me be still and deal with my grief. But quite honestly,

I don't want to. 

I just want to have fun and make memories with my family, Philip, and my friends. I don't want to think about how much this sucks and hurts (now both literally and physically).

I don't want to call myself depressed. But I am struggling with feeling very despondent - and I have been for about a month. I try not to think about how I am feeling because then it makes it worse. So, I keep busy and surrounded with people. 
But I hate feeling sad - maybe that's what causes depression. Fighting too hard against the hardness of life instead of acknowledging it.

So here I am.

Lying in my bed.

Surrounded by the French I should be studying.

My foot propped up on some pillows with some ice. 

Tears lingering on my face.

And I am acknowledging that life just straight up sucks. But I can't fight it anymore. I can't fight the reality that my dad is gone from this world forever. I can't fight the fact that I hate my school. I can't fight the fact that I am scared to tell people how I am really feeling. I can't fight that complete change my life has undergone in the past 9 months. I can't fight the frustration that comes with a long distance relationship. I can't fight my lactose intolerance. I can't fight the fact that my foot is broken. I can't fight the fact that my family feels unorganized and lost. I can't fight the fact that I am lonely. I can't fight the overwhelming grief that will consume me at any given moment.

But I can also acknowledge that God is good. Somehow. Someway. My life feels like a train wreak. Problem upon problem piling up. But
He
Is
Good. 

He's destroying me and my idols to make something beautiful.

At least I hope so.

Because without that hope - life would be completely and utterly overwhelming.

So I complained a lot. 

But I feel better.

Writing is good for the soul, isn't it - vast world out there?

... She Quotes Some Tolkien

'Yes, that's so,' said Sam. 'And we shouldn't be here at all, if we'd known more about it before we started. But I suppose it's often that way. The brave things in the old tales and songs, Mr. Frodo: adventures, as I used to call them. I used to think that they were things the wonderful folk of the stories went out and looked for, because they wanted them, because they were exciting and life was a bit dull, a kind of a sport, as you might say. But that's not the way of it with the tales that really mattered, or the ones that stay in the mind. Folk seem to have been just landed in them, usually – their paths were laid that way, as you put it. But I expect they had lots of chances, like us, of turning back, only they didn't. And if they had, we shouldn't know, because they'd have been forgotten. We hear about those as just went on – and not all to a good end, mind you; at least not to what folk inside a story and not outside it call a good end. You know, coming home, and finding things all right, though not quite the same – like old Mr Bilbo. But those aren't always the best tales to hear, though they may be the best tales to get landed in! I wonder what sort of a tale we've fallen into?'




“It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end… because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing… this shadow. Even darkness must pass." 

... She Shares A Beautiful Worship Song

How Deep the Father's Love for Us - Selah

Lyrics:

How deep the Father's love for us 

How vast beyond all measure 
That He should give His only Son 
And make a wretch His treasure 
How great the pain of searing loss 
The Father turns His face away 
As wounds which mar the Chosen One 
Bring many sons to glory 

Behold the man upon the cross 
My sin upon His shoulders 
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice 
Call out among the scoffers 
It was my sin that held Him there 
Until it was accomplished 
His dying breath has brought me life 
I know that it is finished 

I will not boast in anything 
No gifts, no power, no wisdom 
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection 
Why should I gain from His reward 
I cannot give an answer 
But this I know with all my heart 
His wounds have paid my ransom 

Why should I gain from His reward 
I cannot give an answer 
But this I know with all my heart 
His wounds have paid my ransom

... She Finds Joy in Lamentations

(This is a post I started writing about 3 weeks ago but never finished... Here it is :))

Ironic isn't it? 

Joy in Lamentations. 

Lament:

1.

to feel or express sorrow or regret for

2.

to mourn for or over.

Joy:

1.

the emotion of great delight or happiness caused bysomething exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure;elation

2.a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated

3.

the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety.

4.

a state of happiness or felicity.

The Bible talks a lot about mourning/sorrow/regret and even more about joy. 

In the NIV version of the Bible, the word "joy" (or a form of joy) appears 244 times and is present in almost every book.

In essence joy and lament are the best words to summarize the gospel:

The joy of creation.

The lament of the fall. 

The joy of the birth of a child (aka Jesus) in Bethlehem over 2000 years ago.

The lament of all of Jesus' followers when he was crucified on the cross. 

The joy in the resurrection of Jesus on the third day. Beyond Christ being alive, He rescued all mankind. 

The lament of sin.

The joy of salvation. 

The lament of death.

The joy of eternal life with Jesus.


Beautiful isn't it?

If you have time, sit down and read through Lamentations right now. Just get a feel of it...

Did you read it?

What did you think?

I loved how raw it was. The literary techniques. The contrasts. There is great hurt, fear, and grief reflected in Lamentations. Yet, the author constantly refers back to Jesus.

I think the most powerful portion in Lamentations 3:16-33

¹⁶ He has broken my teeth with gravel;
    he has trampled me in the dust.
¹⁷ I have been deprived of peace;
    I have forgotten what prosperity is.
¹⁸ So I say, “My splendor is gone
    and all that I had hoped from the Lord.”

¹⁹ I remember my affliction and my wandering,
    the bitterness and the gall.
²⁰ I well remember them,
    and my soul is downcast within me.
²¹ Yet this I call to mind
    and therefore I have hope:

²² Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
²⁴ I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.”

²⁵ The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
    to the one who seeks him;
²⁶ it is good to wait quietly
    for the salvation of the Lord.
²⁷ It is good for a man to bear the yoke
    while he is young.

²⁸ Let him sit alone in silence,
    for the Lord has laid it on him.
²⁹ Let him bury his face in the dust—
    there may yet be hope.
³⁰ Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him,
    and let him be filled with disgrace.

³¹ For no one is cast off
    by the Lord forever.
³² Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
    so great is his unfailing love.
³³ For he does not willingly bring affliction
    or grief to anyone.

... She Rejoices in The Bridegroom

At the moment I am doing an incredible bible study called "Obsessed: Making Christ the Desire of Your Heart" by Hayley DiMarco (an incredible Christian author).

It is incredible.

And convicting.

It is so easy to look superficially at my life and think that I am "doing alright"
I spend time with Jesus... most days.
I am not the person I was even a year ago... Christ has changed me so much.
I want to spend my life serving Christ... Isn't that a good thing?

But the truth of the matter is - I am not "alright" and "alright" is never good enough. My priorities are out of line. My heart is so sinful. I am "obsessed" with so much - and quite honestly, God is not at the top of the list.

Sometimes the cross is so small. And I am still working through major grief. Grief that feels like a dagger at times. Sometimes I am so depressed. I don't trust God and his ways. It can be really hard to.

But then God opens my eyes. My unworthiness makes the cross so big. Like HUGE. Like GINORMOUS. Like OHMYGOSH I AM GOING TO CRY I AM SO OVERWHELMED.

If you're not feeling it... just watch this clip (or anything having to do with the galaxies)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRiIWL04po8

Anyways, I digress.

I'm really here to talk about Jesus being the ultimate bridegroom.

I lovelovelovelovelovelovelove weddings. Like seriously, just look at my pinterest. I am not even sure why (especially since the mere thought of my own wedding makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry and decide to elope - Dads are so important to weddings). I think it's the joining together of two people forever that captivates me.

The mere fact that God created relationships. And marriage. He didn't have to - at all.

But he did.

(Thank you Jesus!)

What I think is more incredible is that Jesus is descibed as a bridegroom. Having never been a bride (and will never be a groom), I don't know what the days leading up to a wedding (and then the life afterwards) will feel like. I anticipate giddy jitters, issues to work through, and an insatiable desire to be with that person.

I rarely feel that way about Jesus.

If ever.

Maybe a handful of times.

But he still wants to be my groom.

To love me to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

Only it's even better. Because we do not have to parted from each other in death. Instead, we are reunited. My joy will be complete when I am rejoined with him. Talk about a new perspective!

... She Contemplates Tears.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.” --Washington Irving

... She Loves Quotes

To be in love involves the most irresistible conviction that one will go on being in love until one dies, and that possession of the beloved will confer, not merely frequent ecstasies, but settled, fruitful, deep-rooted, lifelong happiness. 

~ God in the Dock

... She is Encouraged.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

... She Expresses Her Lonliness

Dear Vast, Unknown World,

How is it possible to be on a college campus of several thousand and yet feel alone?

Why didn’t anyone tell me about how hard the transition from living with my family to college would be so hard?

Classes are fine. Not to toot my own horn, but I am a good student. I am good at managing my time and grasping the concepts. I am willing to ask for help when I need it.

But this loneliness is very oppressive.

I am ready to have friends.

I want to have friends.

I’ve been lonely before, but never in such a profound way.

The hardest, or oddest, part is that people do like me. They want to spend time with me. The girls on my hall seek me out to eat food together, to talk, and to go to the gym. But ultimately, I don’t go out and party. 

I have no desire. 

However, because I’ve made the decision to not do something that they are actively participating in, there is separation. A wedge in out relationship. I’ve been placed in this uncomfortable position before, but I have not had to live in it.

Yet, at the same time, I love being different. I love being a Light for Jesus. In my sheltered life, I never had to stand up for what I believed in and it be abnormal. Being "Christian-Like" was the expected norm - not the abnormal. 

So, I am living in a paradox. I don't like not having close friends, BUT I am not willing to compromise my convictions. I love Jesus more. 

People often ask me why I don't "go out." I give a variety of answers depending on how interested they are. If I had opportunity this is what I would say:

Going out is not the problem. There is nothing wrong then getting together with a group friends and having fun. I love having fun! But my definition of "having fun" has nothing to do with drugs, sex, and alcohol. It's not that I have an intrinsic problem with "partying" - it's what happens at parties. 

I have no desire to hear uncouth, rude, drunken comments/conversations. 

I have no desire to see people hooking up.

 I have no desire to hold my friend's hair back as she's puking her guts up at a "good party." 

I have no desire to smell the alcohol and drugs.

 I don't like club music. 

I have no need to go meet "the best friends of my life" at a "crazy awesome" party. 

I have an incredible boyfriend - I don't need to meet any guys. 

Ultimately, I want to honor God with my life. I want to be a light for Christ and how can I do that when I'm just like everyone else?  

But back to my loneliness. As I sit here and think about it, I am not sure if it is all rooted in my lack of friends. On the grief "journey" chart, loneliness was one of the emotions of grief. I think that could play a huge part in what I am feeling. The thought of trying to expressing what I am feeling makes me want to cry. 

Not only tears of grief, but tears of failure.

Tears of inability. 

Tears of dread

Tears of healing.

Tears of insignificance. 

Tears of frustation. 

Tears of anger. 

Tears of _________________.

How can this be redeemed? 

How can I use my loneliness to honor Christ?

How can I use my story & my grief to be a Light for Jesus?

How can I become more of the woman that Christ wants me to be?

So many questions. And so I turn to the Maker of delicate flowers, babies, and thunderstorms. The God. The One and the Only God who loves me - and you - passionately. He loves me more then anyone else can in the world. My identity must be found in the one who loves me the most. Earthly love is fantastic - mind-blowingly so. But ultimately, God died for me. He wants to be with me. He wants to be with you. The mere fact He bridged the gap between my sin and his perfect, unimaginable perfection quickens my heart. Just reflecting on the gift of Christ gives me courage to face tomorrow. And I will do so. And with a fierce determination to grasp the joy found in Christ.

Until next time,
The Blonde

... She Sometimes Posts Things So She Can Find It Later.

“Falling in love in a Christian way is to say,'I am excited about your future and I want to be part of getting you there. I'm signing up for the journey with you. Would you sign up for the journey to my true self with me? It's going to be hard but I want to get there.”

- Timothy Keller

... A Love Letter To Words.

Dear Words,

Thank you for allowing me to process that which cannot be spoken.

For forcing me to put vague emotion into concrete words. 

You woo me. You whisper softly at my heart.

I am entranced. 

How cannot the world see your wonderful harmony? The uncanny way you weave together reason, irrationality, and the most passionate realms of emotion. 

You have changed my life. I desire to spend my life exploring the depth of your wonder. 

I thank God for creating you and your ability. 

Love always, 

The Blonde

... Rambling is ok.

1:13 am. 

Songza (aka an app only inspired by God - seriously - go download it) is playing a relaxing playlist. 

My bed is calling my name. 

My mind whirls in 5 million different directions. 

To God's plan for my life.

The Future. 

College.

Dad.

Philip.

My poison ivy covered legs (one reason I am up tonight - I am on medicine that has many side effects including, but not limited to: inexplainable happiness, mood swings, bloating, acne break outs, and inability to sleep).

I have a deep desire to live my life glorifying my God. My God who created the brilliant stars that polka-dot the night sky. He who authored the plan of eternal salvation. He who formed me and wrote out my days before I took a whiff of oxygen. Why would I not want to honor him? I want my actions HERE and NOW to be a brilliant light house in the darkness. I want to pierce the oppressive night with hope, joy, grace, and point eyes to salvation.

Yet, Grief.

A stumbling block in my path. 

It feels blinding and oppessive. 

The epitome of darkness. 

How am I suppose to live my life full and completely with my adored Daddy suddenly snatched from this reckless world by no choice of his own?

How am I suppose to adjust to college naturally with the fresh taste of grief lingering in my life? 

How can I live my life free of regrets and untainted from the negative effects of grief?

I hold onto the words uttered by God in Jeremiah 29: "For I know the plans I have for you plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you and will bring you back from captivity."

What an incredible promise.