... She Shares Some Poetry.

I know. It's been forever. Life is so very full. Wonderful, but so full.

I don't have time to write about the many things on my heart (I have 50 pages to read of Midnight's Children and 10 pieces of poetry to finish analyzing - English Major Problems). But I did want to share a piece of poetry that I found. 

Earlier this semester, on the year & a half anniversary (I hate using that word & associating it with death. Anniversaries are suppose to be happy things) of Dad passing away, I wrote this poem. September 8th was hands down the most difficult day of my semester. I sobbed in church and had so much work to do. All I wanted to do was run and sob and write. But I could not. And I did not want to talk about it with anyone. 

[Why do I refuse help? I am way too proud.]

Anyways, vast world, I present you with my poem. 

(September 8, 2013)

In the private moments

                        Of grief,

The heart cries for

                        Some release.

To be hidden away

                        From pain.

And given the chance

                        To Relieve

The all-consuming weight

                        That death

Leaves in its wake.

It wreaks my body.

Cripples my mind.

My every bone screams.

Tears – come.

Anger – dissipate.

Confusion – abandon.

But in this pristine bubble,

There is no chance of relief.

The expectation to be

                        ABSOLUTELY PERFECT

Rules this place.

So, I sit in my tower.

Biding my time.

Until I explode!

Sufficiently depressing? 

I think so. 

BUT, I cannot just present you with a depressing poem. That would not suffice. 

The Lord is consistent to speak truth to my heart. I am learning that He wants what is best for me. I can truthfully, finally, say that HE IS TRUSTWORTHY. I can entrust him with my heart, my future, my loves, my anger, my fears, my sin, my mind, my health, my friends, my family...

I am also learning about love & the Lord. At the beginning of the school year, the Lord laid Ephesians 3:16-21 on my heart. I keep coming back to it over and over again. 

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

What does it look like to be rooted and established in Christ?
Do I exude this incredible strength? If not, how can I?
Is is abundantly obvious that Christ dwells in my heart?
How does Christ's incomprehensible love affect my relationships?

So many questions. I could keep going, but do you really want to read ALL my questions? Maybe. But, I really need to stop procrastinating.

I just want to write all the things that are on my heart.

Summary: My heart. It is settled, scared, overwhelmed, excited, optimistic, confident, and finally regaining normalcy.

I know. This is all so vague, but you will just have to be patient. I'll probably be writing a lot now - we're getting close to finals week.

xoxo,
The Blonde

... She Discusses the Future.

When I was young, I told everyone that I wanted to be a teacher or a missionary. In my ten year old mind, it made sense. I loved bossing my siblings around and teaching them their ABCs and how to do math. I knew I was suppose to be a missionary from age seven, because I heard a missionary speak and felt convinced it was what I was suppose to do.

Well... almost ten years later, I feel the same way. But being a missionary is a lot more terrifying. Where do I go? How do I teach? The world is big and scary and dangerous. My family needs me. I don't want to go without a husband. I have no experience teaching, much less teaching in a foreign country. The fears start lining up. I could probably list fifty excuses for every reason to go.

Regardless of the excuses and fears, I know that I would GO when God told me to.

I would follow His Voice.

Mary Slessor, Amy Charmichael, Katie Davis, Gladas Howard (All incredible women of faith) went to their respective countries and changed lives. They went to some of the most terrifying places hand-in-hand with their Lord.

Could I do the same as them?

Would I?

I think so.

Lord, show me the way.

xoxo,
The Blonde

... She Raves About the Beach

I love the beach. 

The way the sand encases your toes. 

The sound of the waves crashing against the shore. 

The unbridled and unpredictable power of the water. 

The oneness between body, soul, and mind. 

It's my happy place. Where I can evaluate myself and hit reset on my heart and mind. 

I need a restart. Life flows by at a constant, rapid pace. Recently, my life seems to be streaming by faster and faster. I have lost sight of who I am and my relationship with God feels strained. It is entirely my fault.

I need to spend time with my savior and invest time with Him. 

And what better place then the OBX?

(Picture taken by me at the end of my jog on a stormy day)

Xoxo, 

The Blonde 

... She Misses Her Momma

I just realized. 

When Dad died, I lost not only a father but also a mother. 

Mom is an incredible woman and I respect and admire her more and more every day. 

But she is not the same woman I used to know. 

She has to pay the bills, fix the leaky pipes, monitor the hearts of her children, invest in relationships of other family members, sell the house, do laundry.... The list continues. I have no idea how she does it all. 

Without dad, mom is stretched thin. I feel bad talking to her about what's going on in my life. I'm a big girl now. She needs to emotionally invest in my other siblings. Not me. 

But I still miss our relationship. 

I don't like feeling distant from her. 

Erg. Life. 

Xoxo

Blondie

... She Reflects & Repents

How am I doing? 

If it was anyone else besides the internet asking me this, I would say, "Great!" and flash my megawatt smile and turn the conversation on them. 

But that's not really how I am. 

I am lonely. Tired. Bummed. Confused. 

God is stretching me almost to my breaking point.  

Ever since Dad died, I feel this entitlement to joy, happiness, and an easy life. I experienced death in an incredibly upclose and personal way. In America, most people don't die until their too old to care about going on living. My dad was 45. That is ridiculously young.  My peers have no idea about the depth of death. The burden. It is always in the back of your mind. The anxiety, fear, grief, and anger threatening to overcome at any moment. The physical aspect. For months after dad died, I had flashbacks and searing flashes of pain. PTSS (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrom is the official name. It is often found in rape victims or military personel)   

This mental battle is enough. I don't need anymore discomfort. 

But The Lord is faithful to rip away my entitlements and show me that He desires more from me. 

This summer, in one word, sucks. All I do is go to work and help my mom (she jokes I'm acting like her wife). While it is definitely what I need to do, it is hard to have such a narrow life. The women at my work keep asking me if I'm having any fun this summer. I say of course and list off the really fun things I have done (One Direction Concert, Bay trip, seeing a musical and camp). What they don't understand, nor anyone else, is that those "fun" things were bookended with the work of life. The fun is kind of sapped from them. When I try to see my friends, they are all busy or have made other plans with each other. I literally have no social life. 

At least I have my sisters. They're wonderful. Most of the time. Hannah and I definitely have our moments of hating each other and Meg and I argue over clothes constantly, but I still love them. And we have a lot of fun together. Like last night. We were suppose to be purging our bathrooms of junk (so when people look through our house they aren't appalled and so moving is easier). The purge turned into a spa night mixed into cleaning out our bathrooms. 

This lack of social life and having to choose to do the hard thing over the fun thing is breaking me. It is stripping me of my entitlements and forcing me to become an adult.

It's hard not to resent my mom or God. I really don't want to loose my entitlements and I want to have fun. They are forcing me not to. 

In true confession, I don't want to spend time with either of them, because they will convict me of my resentment and despondent heart. 

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS. 

I love my mom. 

I love my Lord Jesus. 

I hate myself for resenting them. 

How do I change my heart? 

I can't, but Lord you are faithful. Please, change my heart. Help to see my purpose this summer and have a joyful heart regardless of my circumstances. You are faithful and good.

xoxo, 

The Blonde

Psalm 51:1-12

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
and justified when you judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

... She Catches the Whole Wide World Up on Life

I am so glad that this blog is really for myself. Otherwise I would feel pressure to write everyday (or every month) and that just is not a realistic expectation. 

That being said, it's been almost two months since I wrote on here. In my mind I am constantly composing posts and generally narrating my life. But it takes a lot of effort and time to sit down and write a blog post. Not really, but I do have a lot going on in my life. 

Since I last wrote... 

I wrote a bajillion papers. 

Took a couple of midterms. 

Packed up my dorm room. 

Helped friends pack their rooms. 

Said goodbye to some of my best friends for the summer. 

Went home for four days. 

Went to InterVarsity camp for a week (it was really fun and helped get my heart and mind focused on Christ). 

Started work. 

Moved into my tiny room at home. 

Started summer school. 

Went to the bay for Labor Day weekend. 

My family decided to move

Found land & the style of house we are going to build. (Hint: It's beautiful). 

Turned 19. 

Celebrated birthdays and graduations. 

Chilled with cousins. 

Bonded with friends. 

Attended a gorgeous wedding. 

Experienced my first school board meeting (A guy called God's wrath down on the school board :o). 

And spent time with the fam. 

Needless to say my days are busy and my heart is often rushed. I would be naive and conceited to say that I am the only one feeling rushed in heart & mind as well as disconnected from my Lord. 

How often does life fly by without reflection on the glory of God? 

Do you find that your heart is often hoping on things other then God? Things like time management  looking attractive, affirmation from the opposite sex, friendships, family, etc. I most definitely do. But then I have days like today. 

Days where I wake up & my heart longs for Christ. I turn on my ipod and the music sounds insufficient and weak. It does not fill me - no matter how loud it sounds or how much the music connects with my situation. My conversations with people seem fake and forced. Everywhere I go, I cannot escape my soul crying for time spent with Christ - reflecting on His Word and the reality of who He is. 

When I do not spend time with Christ, I forget the reality of God. In the world full of God's design, creativity, and deity, I loose sight of him in my own plans and my selfish desires. 

But then we intervenes. 

He speaks quietly to my heart. Sending reminders of his glory and his importance in my life.

Yesterday, Psalm 46:10 appeared constantly. I think I saw/heard it in five different contexts. 

"He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations; I will be exalted in the earth."

Be still, Hallie. Know who I am. Know that regardless of what you do or say, I will be known and worshiped throughout the entire earth. I am worthy of this praise, but I do not need it. I am more then enough for you. You get so wrapped up in your own plans and ideals that you loose sight of my awesome, infinite, astounding, fear-inspiring, grand deity.

Humbling to say the least.


And then He puts other verses in my life to further remind me to be still and know that He is God.

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:5-8

Um. Wow.

No matter how insane my life might feel. Not matter the pressure I feel to be strong for my family - mom especially. No matter how overwhelmed and out of control I am. No matter the situation. God is my foundation and consolation. I can trust him & confide in him. And no matter what I do or say, he will protect me from the fiercest assault.

Be still & know.

xoxo,
The Blonde

... She Talks Boston

When I hear of a tragic happening, I automatically flashback to those immediate moments of panic that I felt when Dad died.

No one should ever have to experience those overwhelming feelings... 

Hysteria
Ripped of identity
Incapable of clear thought
Panic
Adrenaline
Not knowing even how to express yourself

None of it suffices. 

Ever.

I've come to realize that nothing I ever say or do is properly going to express the profound grief, loss, and complete change of life that comes with death. 

And that sucks. 

I try so hard to name it, as we humans like to do. But I cannot even do that. 

Experiencing the death of a loved one renders us speechless. 

And so with these thoughts running through my mind, I sit here in the library trying not to cry.

Not for those who are dead, but for those left in the wake of death. 

Those having to live a life bereft of a loved one. 
Those who never got to repair relationships or say "I love you" one last time. 
Those who do not know Jesus. 

My heart is broken for those in Boston. 

Yet, the word of the Lord never fails to comfort my soul. This past month I keep returning to Psalm 116. I've posted verses 3 - 9 below. 

³ The cords of death entangled me,
    the anguish of the grave came over me;
    I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
⁴ Then I called on the name of the Lord:
    “Lord, save me!”

⁵ The Lord is gracious and righteous;
    our God is full of compassion.
⁶ The Lord protects the unwary;
    when I was brought low, he saved me.

⁷ Return to your rest, my soul,
    for the Lord has been good to you.

⁸ For you, Lord, have delivered me from death,
    my eyes from tears,
    my feet from stumbling,
⁹ that I may walk before the Lord
    in the land of the living.

Please pray along with me that lovers of the Truth will boldly proclaim The Lord's love to those in Boston. Pray that lives will be spared and those who bombed innocent people will be brought to justice. Pray for peace in the hearts of all the citizens of Boston. Pray for families whose lives are forever changed by today.