... She Records 1098 Gifts

On January 1, 2013, I decided to record 3 gifts a day for 365 days.

It all started when I read One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. In it she talked about the freedom found in acknowledging thankfulness. In fact, she quotes scientific proof that gratitude can alleviate stress and provide an optimistic outlook on life.  

           

As I wrote, I discovered that the scientific proof is actually true. On the worst days, I had the opportunity to look beyond myself & reflect on the (often minute) gifts in my life. As a result, an attitude of gratitude and optimism has started developing in my heart and I am gaining a new vision for the life the Lord has given me. 

I highly encourage you to visit aholyexperience.com and read Ann's blog. It never ceases to profoundly impact my heart & life.

xoxo,
The Blonde

... She Writes A Cinquian

Love

Overwhelming emotion

Panics, confuses, elates

Engages my innocent heart

You.

... She Rings in the New Year

[DISCLAIMER: Yes, I know that it is January 3rd, but I wrote a majority of this post on the 1st]

Well, it's that time of year again.

I always reach the new year with a sense of regret & foreboding & excitement & hope. Yes, I realize these emotions are paradoxes - they do not overlap and "should not" exist together. And yet, they do. Perhaps that is part of the human condition, trapped between the bitter and the sweet. We taste the bitter right along with the sweet. And yet, at least my taste buds, notice the shocking bitter far before they notice the sweet.

So, what is bitterness of 2013?
Good question. (Yes, I realize I am essentially talking to myself - that is the beauty of writing. Talking to yourself is almost socially acceptable. Almost.)

I am achiever. I like accomplishing what is on my to-do list. 

I regret not speaking truth when I had opportunity. 

I regret hasty words & fearful silence. 

I regret not trusting my Lord & refusing to do what he whispered to my heart. 

I regret not living to my full potential and allowing anger to dictate my actions.

Is there a bitter taste coming into 2014?
Yes. Yes there is.

One year more farther removed from my dad. That bites the hardest and for the longest. It shocks my senses and sends me on the fast track to tears. 

I fear what comes ahead. 

I fear how previous actions may dictate the future. 

I fear the unknown & uncontrollable (yup - I can be a bit of a control freak).

However, and I cannot state this enough, the beauty of having a relationship with Christ is that we are free to live in the security of Christ. Yes, the regret & foreboding of the past & future years exist, but we can leave free from fear (and regret & foreboding) in Christ. As I am writing, I am realizing that I live in a lot of fear. I am tired of being fearful. It needs to stop. The bible has a lot to say about fear. Here are some of my favorites:

• [Isaiah 41:10] Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
• [Philippians 4:6-7] Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
• [Psalm 56:3] When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
• [2 Timothy 1:7] For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
• [Matthew 6:25-34] “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these."
• [Deuteronomy 31:6] Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”
• [1 Peter 5:6-7] Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

So, I've discussed my bitters. How about my sweets?

2013: 

Finishing Freshman Year (NEVER A FRESHMAN AGAIN!)

Making sweet, life-long friends

Going to InterVarsity Camp 

Survived the summer helping my mom get ready to put the house on the market & working a pretty boring office job.  Resulting Bonus: I learned that I never want to work in an office and I learned a lot of details about putting a house on the market. 

We didn't move because my mom decided to stay (I am so relieved - for the most part)

1D Concert

Duck, NC

Chesapeake Bay

Leading a small group on campus for Freshman girls

Reading the book of John

Asking a wonderfully Godly senior to mentor me

Seeing some of my friends get engaged

Meeting The Boyfriend  

Lots of Laughter

Exciting Dates

Cupcake Maker

My current roomies

Impulsive second-hole piercing (I am so rebellious)

Fun Fall, Thanksgiving, & Christmas Breaks 

Learning how to miss people healthily 

Discovering how to be compassionate and loving towards others

Learning how my identity is concrete in my relationship with Christ 

Surviving the One Year of dad dying

Discovering just how much I love education & social justice. 

Learning that I also really love being an English major. 

Living to 2014.

I have so much to be thankful for. 2013 was a million times better then 2012, especially once I went back to school. I am thankful for all the sweetness that the Lord bestowed in my life, heart, & mind. I am confident that the Lord will guide me through the bitter & the sweet of 2014. 

So, 2014. Here we go. I am ready for the love, heartbreak, dreams, people, adventures, boredom, learning, and growth that will happen this year. Here is to a fearless, adventure seeking, Jesus-loving year!

xoxo,
The Blonde

PS What I am listening to as I write: http://songza.com/listen/sultry-sirens-songza/

... She Shares Some Poetry.

I know. It's been forever. Life is so very full. Wonderful, but so full.

I don't have time to write about the many things on my heart (I have 50 pages to read of Midnight's Children and 10 pieces of poetry to finish analyzing - English Major Problems). But I did want to share a piece of poetry that I found. 

Earlier this semester, on the year & a half anniversary (I hate using that word & associating it with death. Anniversaries are suppose to be happy things) of Dad passing away, I wrote this poem. September 8th was hands down the most difficult day of my semester. I sobbed in church and had so much work to do. All I wanted to do was run and sob and write. But I could not. And I did not want to talk about it with anyone. 

[Why do I refuse help? I am way too proud.]

Anyways, vast world, I present you with my poem. 

(September 8, 2013)

In the private moments

                        Of grief,

The heart cries for

                        Some release.

To be hidden away

                        From pain.

And given the chance

                        To Relieve

The all-consuming weight

                        That death

Leaves in its wake.

It wreaks my body.

Cripples my mind.

My every bone screams.

Tears – come.

Anger – dissipate.

Confusion – abandon.

But in this pristine bubble,

There is no chance of relief.

The expectation to be

                        ABSOLUTELY PERFECT

Rules this place.

So, I sit in my tower.

Biding my time.

Until I explode!

Sufficiently depressing? 

I think so. 

BUT, I cannot just present you with a depressing poem. That would not suffice. 

The Lord is consistent to speak truth to my heart. I am learning that He wants what is best for me. I can truthfully, finally, say that HE IS TRUSTWORTHY. I can entrust him with my heart, my future, my loves, my anger, my fears, my sin, my mind, my health, my friends, my family...

I am also learning about love & the Lord. At the beginning of the school year, the Lord laid Ephesians 3:16-21 on my heart. I keep coming back to it over and over again. 

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

What does it look like to be rooted and established in Christ?
Do I exude this incredible strength? If not, how can I?
Is is abundantly obvious that Christ dwells in my heart?
How does Christ's incomprehensible love affect my relationships?

So many questions. I could keep going, but do you really want to read ALL my questions? Maybe. But, I really need to stop procrastinating.

I just want to write all the things that are on my heart.

Summary: My heart. It is settled, scared, overwhelmed, excited, optimistic, confident, and finally regaining normalcy.

I know. This is all so vague, but you will just have to be patient. I'll probably be writing a lot now - we're getting close to finals week.

xoxo,
The Blonde

... She Discusses the Future.

When I was young, I told everyone that I wanted to be a teacher or a missionary. In my ten year old mind, it made sense. I loved bossing my siblings around and teaching them their ABCs and how to do math. I knew I was suppose to be a missionary from age seven, because I heard a missionary speak and felt convinced it was what I was suppose to do.

Well... almost ten years later, I feel the same way. But being a missionary is a lot more terrifying. Where do I go? How do I teach? The world is big and scary and dangerous. My family needs me. I don't want to go without a husband. I have no experience teaching, much less teaching in a foreign country. The fears start lining up. I could probably list fifty excuses for every reason to go.

Regardless of the excuses and fears, I know that I would GO when God told me to.

I would follow His Voice.

Mary Slessor, Amy Charmichael, Katie Davis, Gladas Howard (All incredible women of faith) went to their respective countries and changed lives. They went to some of the most terrifying places hand-in-hand with their Lord.

Could I do the same as them?

Would I?

I think so.

Lord, show me the way.

xoxo,
The Blonde

... She Raves About the Beach

I love the beach. 

The way the sand encases your toes. 

The sound of the waves crashing against the shore. 

The unbridled and unpredictable power of the water. 

The oneness between body, soul, and mind. 

It's my happy place. Where I can evaluate myself and hit reset on my heart and mind. 

I need a restart. Life flows by at a constant, rapid pace. Recently, my life seems to be streaming by faster and faster. I have lost sight of who I am and my relationship with God feels strained. It is entirely my fault.

I need to spend time with my savior and invest time with Him. 

And what better place then the OBX?

(Picture taken by me at the end of my jog on a stormy day)

Xoxo, 

The Blonde 

... She Misses Her Momma

I just realized. 

When Dad died, I lost not only a father but also a mother. 

Mom is an incredible woman and I respect and admire her more and more every day. 

But she is not the same woman I used to know. 

She has to pay the bills, fix the leaky pipes, monitor the hearts of her children, invest in relationships of other family members, sell the house, do laundry.... The list continues. I have no idea how she does it all. 

Without dad, mom is stretched thin. I feel bad talking to her about what's going on in my life. I'm a big girl now. She needs to emotionally invest in my other siblings. Not me. 

But I still miss our relationship. 

I don't like feeling distant from her. 

Erg. Life. 

Xoxo

Blondie