... She Rings in the New Year

[DISCLAIMER: Yes, I know that it is January 3rd, but I wrote a majority of this post on the 1st]

Well, it's that time of year again.

I always reach the new year with a sense of regret & foreboding & excitement & hope. Yes, I realize these emotions are paradoxes - they do not overlap and "should not" exist together. And yet, they do. Perhaps that is part of the human condition, trapped between the bitter and the sweet. We taste the bitter right along with the sweet. And yet, at least my taste buds, notice the shocking bitter far before they notice the sweet.

So, what is bitterness of 2013?
Good question. (Yes, I realize I am essentially talking to myself - that is the beauty of writing. Talking to yourself is almost socially acceptable. Almost.)

I am achiever. I like accomplishing what is on my to-do list. 

I regret not speaking truth when I had opportunity. 

I regret hasty words & fearful silence. 

I regret not trusting my Lord & refusing to do what he whispered to my heart. 

I regret not living to my full potential and allowing anger to dictate my actions.

Is there a bitter taste coming into 2014?
Yes. Yes there is.

One year more farther removed from my dad. That bites the hardest and for the longest. It shocks my senses and sends me on the fast track to tears. 

I fear what comes ahead. 

I fear how previous actions may dictate the future. 

I fear the unknown & uncontrollable (yup - I can be a bit of a control freak).

However, and I cannot state this enough, the beauty of having a relationship with Christ is that we are free to live in the security of Christ. Yes, the regret & foreboding of the past & future years exist, but we can leave free from fear (and regret & foreboding) in Christ. As I am writing, I am realizing that I live in a lot of fear. I am tired of being fearful. It needs to stop. The bible has a lot to say about fear. Here are some of my favorites:

• [Isaiah 41:10] Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
• [Philippians 4:6-7] Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
• [Psalm 56:3] When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
• [2 Timothy 1:7] For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
• [Matthew 6:25-34] “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these."
• [Deuteronomy 31:6] Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”
• [1 Peter 5:6-7] Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

So, I've discussed my bitters. How about my sweets?

2013: 

Finishing Freshman Year (NEVER A FRESHMAN AGAIN!)

Making sweet, life-long friends

Going to InterVarsity Camp 

Survived the summer helping my mom get ready to put the house on the market & working a pretty boring office job.  Resulting Bonus: I learned that I never want to work in an office and I learned a lot of details about putting a house on the market. 

We didn't move because my mom decided to stay (I am so relieved - for the most part)

1D Concert

Duck, NC

Chesapeake Bay

Leading a small group on campus for Freshman girls

Reading the book of John

Asking a wonderfully Godly senior to mentor me

Seeing some of my friends get engaged

Meeting The Boyfriend  

Lots of Laughter

Exciting Dates

Cupcake Maker

My current roomies

Impulsive second-hole piercing (I am so rebellious)

Fun Fall, Thanksgiving, & Christmas Breaks 

Learning how to miss people healthily 

Discovering how to be compassionate and loving towards others

Learning how my identity is concrete in my relationship with Christ 

Surviving the One Year of dad dying

Discovering just how much I love education & social justice. 

Learning that I also really love being an English major. 

Living to 2014.

I have so much to be thankful for. 2013 was a million times better then 2012, especially once I went back to school. I am thankful for all the sweetness that the Lord bestowed in my life, heart, & mind. I am confident that the Lord will guide me through the bitter & the sweet of 2014. 

So, 2014. Here we go. I am ready for the love, heartbreak, dreams, people, adventures, boredom, learning, and growth that will happen this year. Here is to a fearless, adventure seeking, Jesus-loving year!

xoxo,
The Blonde

PS What I am listening to as I write: http://songza.com/listen/sultry-sirens-songza/

... She Shares Some Poetry.

I know. It's been forever. Life is so very full. Wonderful, but so full.

I don't have time to write about the many things on my heart (I have 50 pages to read of Midnight's Children and 10 pieces of poetry to finish analyzing - English Major Problems). But I did want to share a piece of poetry that I found. 

Earlier this semester, on the year & a half anniversary (I hate using that word & associating it with death. Anniversaries are suppose to be happy things) of Dad passing away, I wrote this poem. September 8th was hands down the most difficult day of my semester. I sobbed in church and had so much work to do. All I wanted to do was run and sob and write. But I could not. And I did not want to talk about it with anyone. 

[Why do I refuse help? I am way too proud.]

Anyways, vast world, I present you with my poem. 

(September 8, 2013)

In the private moments

                        Of grief,

The heart cries for

                        Some release.

To be hidden away

                        From pain.

And given the chance

                        To Relieve

The all-consuming weight

                        That death

Leaves in its wake.

It wreaks my body.

Cripples my mind.

My every bone screams.

Tears – come.

Anger – dissipate.

Confusion – abandon.

But in this pristine bubble,

There is no chance of relief.

The expectation to be

                        ABSOLUTELY PERFECT

Rules this place.

So, I sit in my tower.

Biding my time.

Until I explode!

Sufficiently depressing? 

I think so. 

BUT, I cannot just present you with a depressing poem. That would not suffice. 

The Lord is consistent to speak truth to my heart. I am learning that He wants what is best for me. I can truthfully, finally, say that HE IS TRUSTWORTHY. I can entrust him with my heart, my future, my loves, my anger, my fears, my sin, my mind, my health, my friends, my family...

I am also learning about love & the Lord. At the beginning of the school year, the Lord laid Ephesians 3:16-21 on my heart. I keep coming back to it over and over again. 

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

What does it look like to be rooted and established in Christ?
Do I exude this incredible strength? If not, how can I?
Is is abundantly obvious that Christ dwells in my heart?
How does Christ's incomprehensible love affect my relationships?

So many questions. I could keep going, but do you really want to read ALL my questions? Maybe. But, I really need to stop procrastinating.

I just want to write all the things that are on my heart.

Summary: My heart. It is settled, scared, overwhelmed, excited, optimistic, confident, and finally regaining normalcy.

I know. This is all so vague, but you will just have to be patient. I'll probably be writing a lot now - we're getting close to finals week.

xoxo,
The Blonde

... She Discusses the Future.

When I was young, I told everyone that I wanted to be a teacher or a missionary. In my ten year old mind, it made sense. I loved bossing my siblings around and teaching them their ABCs and how to do math. I knew I was suppose to be a missionary from age seven, because I heard a missionary speak and felt convinced it was what I was suppose to do.

Well... almost ten years later, I feel the same way. But being a missionary is a lot more terrifying. Where do I go? How do I teach? The world is big and scary and dangerous. My family needs me. I don't want to go without a husband. I have no experience teaching, much less teaching in a foreign country. The fears start lining up. I could probably list fifty excuses for every reason to go.

Regardless of the excuses and fears, I know that I would GO when God told me to.

I would follow His Voice.

Mary Slessor, Amy Charmichael, Katie Davis, Gladas Howard (All incredible women of faith) went to their respective countries and changed lives. They went to some of the most terrifying places hand-in-hand with their Lord.

Could I do the same as them?

Would I?

I think so.

Lord, show me the way.

xoxo,
The Blonde

... She Raves About the Beach

I love the beach. 

The way the sand encases your toes. 

The sound of the waves crashing against the shore. 

The unbridled and unpredictable power of the water. 

The oneness between body, soul, and mind. 

It's my happy place. Where I can evaluate myself and hit reset on my heart and mind. 

I need a restart. Life flows by at a constant, rapid pace. Recently, my life seems to be streaming by faster and faster. I have lost sight of who I am and my relationship with God feels strained. It is entirely my fault.

I need to spend time with my savior and invest time with Him. 

And what better place then the OBX?

(Picture taken by me at the end of my jog on a stormy day)

Xoxo, 

The Blonde 

... She Misses Her Momma

I just realized. 

When Dad died, I lost not only a father but also a mother. 

Mom is an incredible woman and I respect and admire her more and more every day. 

But she is not the same woman I used to know. 

She has to pay the bills, fix the leaky pipes, monitor the hearts of her children, invest in relationships of other family members, sell the house, do laundry.... The list continues. I have no idea how she does it all. 

Without dad, mom is stretched thin. I feel bad talking to her about what's going on in my life. I'm a big girl now. She needs to emotionally invest in my other siblings. Not me. 

But I still miss our relationship. 

I don't like feeling distant from her. 

Erg. Life. 

Xoxo

Blondie

... She Reflects & Repents

How am I doing? 

If it was anyone else besides the internet asking me this, I would say, "Great!" and flash my megawatt smile and turn the conversation on them. 

But that's not really how I am. 

I am lonely. Tired. Bummed. Confused. 

God is stretching me almost to my breaking point.  

Ever since Dad died, I feel this entitlement to joy, happiness, and an easy life. I experienced death in an incredibly upclose and personal way. In America, most people don't die until their too old to care about going on living. My dad was 45. That is ridiculously young.  My peers have no idea about the depth of death. The burden. It is always in the back of your mind. The anxiety, fear, grief, and anger threatening to overcome at any moment. The physical aspect. For months after dad died, I had flashbacks and searing flashes of pain. PTSS (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrom is the official name. It is often found in rape victims or military personel)   

This mental battle is enough. I don't need anymore discomfort. 

But The Lord is faithful to rip away my entitlements and show me that He desires more from me. 

This summer, in one word, sucks. All I do is go to work and help my mom (she jokes I'm acting like her wife). While it is definitely what I need to do, it is hard to have such a narrow life. The women at my work keep asking me if I'm having any fun this summer. I say of course and list off the really fun things I have done (One Direction Concert, Bay trip, seeing a musical and camp). What they don't understand, nor anyone else, is that those "fun" things were bookended with the work of life. The fun is kind of sapped from them. When I try to see my friends, they are all busy or have made other plans with each other. I literally have no social life. 

At least I have my sisters. They're wonderful. Most of the time. Hannah and I definitely have our moments of hating each other and Meg and I argue over clothes constantly, but I still love them. And we have a lot of fun together. Like last night. We were suppose to be purging our bathrooms of junk (so when people look through our house they aren't appalled and so moving is easier). The purge turned into a spa night mixed into cleaning out our bathrooms. 

This lack of social life and having to choose to do the hard thing over the fun thing is breaking me. It is stripping me of my entitlements and forcing me to become an adult.

It's hard not to resent my mom or God. I really don't want to loose my entitlements and I want to have fun. They are forcing me not to. 

In true confession, I don't want to spend time with either of them, because they will convict me of my resentment and despondent heart. 

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS. 

I love my mom. 

I love my Lord Jesus. 

I hate myself for resenting them. 

How do I change my heart? 

I can't, but Lord you are faithful. Please, change my heart. Help to see my purpose this summer and have a joyful heart regardless of my circumstances. You are faithful and good.

xoxo, 

The Blonde

Psalm 51:1-12

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
and justified when you judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

... She Catches the Whole Wide World Up on Life

I am so glad that this blog is really for myself. Otherwise I would feel pressure to write everyday (or every month) and that just is not a realistic expectation. 

That being said, it's been almost two months since I wrote on here. In my mind I am constantly composing posts and generally narrating my life. But it takes a lot of effort and time to sit down and write a blog post. Not really, but I do have a lot going on in my life. 

Since I last wrote... 

I wrote a bajillion papers. 

Took a couple of midterms. 

Packed up my dorm room. 

Helped friends pack their rooms. 

Said goodbye to some of my best friends for the summer. 

Went home for four days. 

Went to InterVarsity camp for a week (it was really fun and helped get my heart and mind focused on Christ). 

Started work. 

Moved into my tiny room at home. 

Started summer school. 

Went to the bay for Labor Day weekend. 

My family decided to move

Found land & the style of house we are going to build. (Hint: It's beautiful). 

Turned 19. 

Celebrated birthdays and graduations. 

Chilled with cousins. 

Bonded with friends. 

Attended a gorgeous wedding. 

Experienced my first school board meeting (A guy called God's wrath down on the school board :o). 

And spent time with the fam. 

Needless to say my days are busy and my heart is often rushed. I would be naive and conceited to say that I am the only one feeling rushed in heart & mind as well as disconnected from my Lord. 

How often does life fly by without reflection on the glory of God? 

Do you find that your heart is often hoping on things other then God? Things like time management  looking attractive, affirmation from the opposite sex, friendships, family, etc. I most definitely do. But then I have days like today. 

Days where I wake up & my heart longs for Christ. I turn on my ipod and the music sounds insufficient and weak. It does not fill me - no matter how loud it sounds or how much the music connects with my situation. My conversations with people seem fake and forced. Everywhere I go, I cannot escape my soul crying for time spent with Christ - reflecting on His Word and the reality of who He is. 

When I do not spend time with Christ, I forget the reality of God. In the world full of God's design, creativity, and deity, I loose sight of him in my own plans and my selfish desires. 

But then we intervenes. 

He speaks quietly to my heart. Sending reminders of his glory and his importance in my life.

Yesterday, Psalm 46:10 appeared constantly. I think I saw/heard it in five different contexts. 

"He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations; I will be exalted in the earth."

Be still, Hallie. Know who I am. Know that regardless of what you do or say, I will be known and worshiped throughout the entire earth. I am worthy of this praise, but I do not need it. I am more then enough for you. You get so wrapped up in your own plans and ideals that you loose sight of my awesome, infinite, astounding, fear-inspiring, grand deity.

Humbling to say the least.


And then He puts other verses in my life to further remind me to be still and know that He is God.

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:5-8

Um. Wow.

No matter how insane my life might feel. Not matter the pressure I feel to be strong for my family - mom especially. No matter how overwhelmed and out of control I am. No matter the situation. God is my foundation and consolation. I can trust him & confide in him. And no matter what I do or say, he will protect me from the fiercest assault.

Be still & know.

xoxo,
The Blonde