... She Catches the Whole Wide World Up on Life

I am so glad that this blog is really for myself. Otherwise I would feel pressure to write everyday (or every month) and that just is not a realistic expectation. 

That being said, it's been almost two months since I wrote on here. In my mind I am constantly composing posts and generally narrating my life. But it takes a lot of effort and time to sit down and write a blog post. Not really, but I do have a lot going on in my life. 

Since I last wrote... 

I wrote a bajillion papers. 

Took a couple of midterms. 

Packed up my dorm room. 

Helped friends pack their rooms. 

Said goodbye to some of my best friends for the summer. 

Went home for four days. 

Went to InterVarsity camp for a week (it was really fun and helped get my heart and mind focused on Christ). 

Started work. 

Moved into my tiny room at home. 

Started summer school. 

Went to the bay for Labor Day weekend. 

My family decided to move

Found land & the style of house we are going to build. (Hint: It's beautiful). 

Turned 19. 

Celebrated birthdays and graduations. 

Chilled with cousins. 

Bonded with friends. 

Attended a gorgeous wedding. 

Experienced my first school board meeting (A guy called God's wrath down on the school board :o). 

And spent time with the fam. 

Needless to say my days are busy and my heart is often rushed. I would be naive and conceited to say that I am the only one feeling rushed in heart & mind as well as disconnected from my Lord. 

How often does life fly by without reflection on the glory of God? 

Do you find that your heart is often hoping on things other then God? Things like time management  looking attractive, affirmation from the opposite sex, friendships, family, etc. I most definitely do. But then I have days like today. 

Days where I wake up & my heart longs for Christ. I turn on my ipod and the music sounds insufficient and weak. It does not fill me - no matter how loud it sounds or how much the music connects with my situation. My conversations with people seem fake and forced. Everywhere I go, I cannot escape my soul crying for time spent with Christ - reflecting on His Word and the reality of who He is. 

When I do not spend time with Christ, I forget the reality of God. In the world full of God's design, creativity, and deity, I loose sight of him in my own plans and my selfish desires. 

But then we intervenes. 

He speaks quietly to my heart. Sending reminders of his glory and his importance in my life.

Yesterday, Psalm 46:10 appeared constantly. I think I saw/heard it in five different contexts. 

"He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations; I will be exalted in the earth."

Be still, Hallie. Know who I am. Know that regardless of what you do or say, I will be known and worshiped throughout the entire earth. I am worthy of this praise, but I do not need it. I am more then enough for you. You get so wrapped up in your own plans and ideals that you loose sight of my awesome, infinite, astounding, fear-inspiring, grand deity.

Humbling to say the least.


And then He puts other verses in my life to further remind me to be still and know that He is God.

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:5-8

Um. Wow.

No matter how insane my life might feel. Not matter the pressure I feel to be strong for my family - mom especially. No matter how overwhelmed and out of control I am. No matter the situation. God is my foundation and consolation. I can trust him & confide in him. And no matter what I do or say, he will protect me from the fiercest assault.

Be still & know.

xoxo,
The Blonde

... She Talks Boston

When I hear of a tragic happening, I automatically flashback to those immediate moments of panic that I felt when Dad died.

No one should ever have to experience those overwhelming feelings... 

Hysteria
Ripped of identity
Incapable of clear thought
Panic
Adrenaline
Not knowing even how to express yourself

None of it suffices. 

Ever.

I've come to realize that nothing I ever say or do is properly going to express the profound grief, loss, and complete change of life that comes with death. 

And that sucks. 

I try so hard to name it, as we humans like to do. But I cannot even do that. 

Experiencing the death of a loved one renders us speechless. 

And so with these thoughts running through my mind, I sit here in the library trying not to cry.

Not for those who are dead, but for those left in the wake of death. 

Those having to live a life bereft of a loved one. 
Those who never got to repair relationships or say "I love you" one last time. 
Those who do not know Jesus. 

My heart is broken for those in Boston. 

Yet, the word of the Lord never fails to comfort my soul. This past month I keep returning to Psalm 116. I've posted verses 3 - 9 below. 

³ The cords of death entangled me,
    the anguish of the grave came over me;
    I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
⁴ Then I called on the name of the Lord:
    “Lord, save me!”

⁵ The Lord is gracious and righteous;
    our God is full of compassion.
⁶ The Lord protects the unwary;
    when I was brought low, he saved me.

⁷ Return to your rest, my soul,
    for the Lord has been good to you.

⁸ For you, Lord, have delivered me from death,
    my eyes from tears,
    my feet from stumbling,
⁹ that I may walk before the Lord
    in the land of the living.

Please pray along with me that lovers of the Truth will boldly proclaim The Lord's love to those in Boston. Pray that lives will be spared and those who bombed innocent people will be brought to justice. Pray for peace in the hearts of all the citizens of Boston. Pray for families whose lives are forever changed by today. 

.... She Talks About Poverty & Tutoring

I think that when I look back on my life, I will pinpoint this semester as one of the most influential three months of my life. 

Why? 

I learned of poverty.

In English 298, I read speeches given by famous orators, both black and white, around the time of the Civil War. I learned about race relations during that era and how not much has changed since then, thanks to poor decisions. Then, I read horrendous books (like Native Son and Invisible Man) that opened my eyes to the brutality of man. Sin is so real and positively heart wrenching  These books also opened my eyes to the reality that while we do make decisions, we are also products of our environment. And some people live and breath a very toxic environment. 

In my freshman seminar, I learned about the inequities found in the educational system. I learned that education is a hope and a salvation. I grappled with my idealist, Republican sentimentalities and the handout pleasing, Democratic perspective. (I am now a conservative independent).  

In my education class, I was forced to volunteer. So, I chose to drive to a government-housing complex and tutor a little girl. 

Here is a (rough draft) of the paper that I am writing for that class about my experiences: 
*names changed for privacy reasons*
My experience at Youth Life was difficult, but the long-term benefits are immeasurable. Amy proved to be a challenge that I never overcame. It frustrated me that she refused to accept my assistance, even though it would significantly help her. My interactions with the other children at the learning center helped me realize that I cannot become consumed with the well being of one child. All of the students need support in some form. In the greater picture, my experiences helped me gain a broader compassion of and understanding for people living in poverty. In the future, I plan on doing something to help the impoverished – whether it is providing them with education or something else.

In high school, I volunteered in a third grade classroom at an inner city, private school. I loved every second of my experience. When I learned of the required volunteer hours for Diverse Learners, I was excited to replicate my experience. The Center for Civic Engagement connected me with Youth Life. Youth Life is a religious-affiliated, before and after school program for children living in poverty. There are two Youth Life plants. I chose to go to one based in the middle of a government-housing complex. My experience at Youth Life proved to be a challenging one that opened my eyes to the reality of poverty.

On my first day of tutoring, I walked into a chaotic classroom with two frazzled assistants and a frustrated teacher. Not sure what to do or even really where to go, I just stood in the back until the kids were led to recess. Finally, I was given a more complete explanation of what I would be doing. As a volunteer, I was assigned a kindergartner named Amy to tutor and mentor. My first experience with Amy was not a positive one. She pushed every boundary, disobeyed every rule, and, honestly, was not a very enjoyable person to tutor. Beyond the one on one mentoring being difficult, the atmosphere was hard to concentrate in. Kids were talking the whole time and were struggling to stay sitting down. Honestly, it is hard to blame them. They have been in a school setting since as early as seven-thirty in the morning. As I left the first day, I hoped the next tutoring session would be a more positive experience.

Against my hopes, the negative experiences and difficult learning environment continued for the next meeting. However, I gained optimism when Amy had a breakthrough in our third mentoring and tutoring session. She easily read through an entire book with minimal help and even found it amusing. Unfortunately, the breakthrough was short lived. When I arrived for the fourth tutoring session, I was informed that Amy was suspended from her elementary school, and thus the Learning Center, for slapping her principal. Thus far, my overall experience with Youth Life was stressful, frustrating and disappointing.

Since Amy was suspended, I tutored Jane, Amy's sister, and Caleb. Jane is in first grade, is very bright and loves school. She likes doing well and spends a long time on her homework so it would look perfect. She is in second grade and wants to be a teacher when she grows up. Caleb is in kindergarten and loves to move. I was able to incorporate jumping jacks, push-ups, water breaks, and squirm sessions into our homework time. When Caleb was allowed to alternate moving and working, his productivity and understanding improved.  My interactions with Jane and Caleb helped me have positive experiences with tutoring.

On the day of my sixth tutoring session, Amy was back. Jason, the teacher in charge, decided it was best for her to work on her own. I was assigned to Jane again. Today, she was tired and sad. Jason said things get "stressful" at home sometime and, when that happens, Jane shuts down. In order to get her to calm down and open up - I read her favorite book: Cinderella. She reads it almost everyday and watches the movie almost as often. It is as if the perfect, happily ever after world rescues her from the stresses of her own life. As I got to the end, singing bits and pieces of the song, Jane started relaxing and was able to complete her homework. Then, we colored and played on the computer, which became a community activity. A little girl sat on my lap and two other girls offered friendly suggestions, Jane and Amy played the game. It was very relaxed and fun. For the first time, I actually enjoyed myself. By the end of the day, Jane and Amy were fighting over whom I was going to tutor next week. Since then, I have primarily tutored Jane. Amy continues to work on her own, but often comes over to Jane and I for reading or craft time.

Volunteering at the Learning Center was different from my expectations. The first half was very frustrating and disappointing. However, I am so glad that I decided to volunteer with Youth Life. I learned that while I love communicating ideas and thoughts, I am not meant to be an elementary school teacher. I also learned that you have to make concessions with your plan in order to best help the child. It is so easy to become consumed with my personal agenda or the way something is suppose to go. However, that is not fair to the student or to you. I also realized that if I chose to teach in a low-income area there are many social barriers to break down, as a white female. I will never forget my first day volunteering. When I parked my car, I felt uncomfortable, conspicuous, and painfully obvious. I was the rich white girl coming to help the poor black kids. I did not want to be viewed from that perspective. I wanted to be recognized as someone who was helping, because there was a conspicuous need. I did not want to be the wealthy white person momentarily stepping out of her white bubble for charity. Unfortunately, this picture has a grain of truth in it. I am not living in poverty to say the least. I live on a campus endowed with over a billion dollars with a stable home and family that supports and loves me. I live a very different life from the children at the Learning Center. Though our backgrounds are very different, I truly care for these children and want to help them in any way possible.

Since Youth Life is based in a government-housing complex, I came in direct contact with the living conditions of the children. It raised my awareness of the inequities of education and the harsh realities of the world. Some days, it was difficult to look outside and see teenagers, only a few years older then some of the students at the learning center, making poor decisions. It was impossible to ignore the reality that a majority of the children in my classroom are going to continue living in generational poverty. This poverty is heartbreaking. Being in close proximity to the upper middle class only further emphasizes it. Five miles away from the Learning Center are million dollar homes in safe, comfortable areas. It seems unfair that by a twist of fate, these children were born into incredibly difficult circumstances only a few miles away from the more comfortable. I have not been able to reconcile this fact, but it has made me more passionate about children in poverty stricken areas. Though centered in a government-housing complex, the Learning center does an incredible job providing a safe, stable environment for children to come and focus on education.

Youth Life has inspired me to continue volunteering and raise awareness for poverty. As a product of the upper middle class, I chose to ignore the poverty that was right across my city and, instead, to focus on the poverty in other countries. Yes, Africa is a broken continent in need of significant help. However, in our quest to help the broken, we cannot overlook our neighbors. Going to another continent to help others is fantastic, but it is a temporary fix. Investing in a relationship only twenty-five minutes away has the potential to impact a life forever. It seems so logical. Why are people, myself included, choosing to overlook the impoverished in America? I have come to the conclusion that there are two primary reasons. One is that people are scared of commitment. It is one thing to send your money to an organization or spend two weeks in India; however, it is entirely different to commit to meeting with someone once a week or every two weeks. The other reason is that welfare, combined with the general negative perception of the poor in the United States, has made people feel guilty about helping the impoverished. It feels good to give money or time to the poor in another country, but it feels like handouts when devoting the exact same resources to those living in your own country. My response to that is to stop being superficial and devote your time and money to something that truly will make a difference. Continue helping those in need in other countries, but also devote your resources to our neighbors.

This is just a glimpse at all I have learned this semester. I think I need a whole other post to talk about the other things I have learned. 

Summer is quickly approaching (three more weeks!). Hopefully I will be a more consistant blogger over the summer!

xoxo

The Blonde

... She is surprised that Miley Cyrus actually has talent

Call me hater, but I always assumed that Miley was a Disney girl who was forced to sing in order to make more money.

And now she is not classy (or even cute - what is with her short platinum hair?).

But then...

I stumbled upon these gems:

Are you as impressed as I am?

Just thought you would want to be in as much awe as I am.

True talent.

xoxo,
The Blonde

... She hopes in glory

I love journaling. I always have.

Journals starting in 3rd grade are stored in a special bin in my attic. When I want to reminisce  I pull out those journals. My crush of the week from 4th grade is revealed (and a giggle tumbles out of my mouth before I can stop it). The angst of the early teen years fills journals. My heart goes out to the 13 year old me - if only I knew then all that I know now. The heartbreaks, many joys, and random stories of high school are recorded. All so I can look back and remember. 

But sometimes I want to throw what I am thinking out into the vast unknown, unexplored world. It makes me feel validated as a human. 

So, world. What am I thinking about tonight? 

The past year & Romans 8. 

The amount that I was forced to grow up in the past year overwhelms me. I didn't especially desire to grow up to the extent that I have, but I am glad. This is who I am - bruised, broken, & refined.

My heart is beginning to begin to understand what it means to reveal in the Lord. To find the hope of glory. And that alone makes me rejoice. Who would not want to be in close communion with their Lord? 

He is so real

And active. 

And worthy of our awe and respect.

My heart rejoices because I trust in Him. 

And I would not have been able to say that even three weeks ago. But I was forced to deal with emotions about my dad I was terrified to process. 

What were they? 

Well, I don't want to completely bare my soul to the world, so here are the highlights:

- Anger at God for taking my dad from me; 

- The deep disappointment that comes with loss; 

- Not wanting to be strong;

- Feeling fake (I started processing that in my previous entry); 

- Feeling hollow & lacking depth of emotion 

So, I am learning what to do with these emotions and how to talk to Him about it and even acknowledge it. 

And how to talk to others about it. I hate talking about my dad with people. Not on surface level - I can do that. But going any deeper is scary, unknown, and real. 

I can write all I want, but when I say it out loud it is cemented. It cannot be retracted. 

I also feel like a burden to other people. They don't want to hear my stories and random, often inexplicable feelings. Plus, if I tell them - then they know something deep about me. Something precious and sacred. Holy territory. 

But I want to tell people. I want to spill my guts and say everything that weighs my heart down. I want relief and to share the burden even for a moment. So, dear reader of this post, or even the cold, unknown world wide web, I am letting you in. Congrats. You know me better then anyone else. 

Damn it (I am not even apologizing). Why is it so hard? 

But 

The hope of glory never ceases. It may dim, but it is always there. 

For example, the week of the one year anniversary of dad passing away, my eyes fell upon this verse: 

"So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy"

John 16:22

My eyes fill with tears just thinking about it. It was like he spoke directly to my heart and gave me permission to be in grief. Talk about freedom. 

Romans 8. 

Have you read it all in one sitting? (It can be rather difficult - there is just so much wonderfulness in one chapter.)

Give it a go.

I am inserting the Message translation because it gives a unique twist to it all. 

(Plus I love reading the same chapter/verse in different translations)

8 ^1-2 With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ’s being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.

^3-4 God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn’t deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. The law code, weakened as it always was by fractured human nature, could never have done that.

The law always ended up being used as a Band-Aid on sin instead of a deep healing of it. And now what the law code asked for but we couldn’t deliver is accomplished as we, instead of redoubling our own efforts, simply embrace what the Spirit is doing in us.

^5-8 Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God’s action in them find that God’s Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. And God isn’t pleased at being ignored.

^9-11 But if God himself has taken up residence in your life, you can hardly be thinking more of yourself than of him. Anyone, of course, who has not welcomed this invisible but clearly present God, the Spirit of Christ, won’t know what we’re talking about. But for you who welcome him, in whom he dwells—even though you still experience all the limitations of sin—you yourself experience life on God’s terms. It stands to reason, doesn’t it, that if the alive-and-present God who raised Jesus from the dead moves into your life, he’ll do the same thing in you that he did in Jesus, bringing you alive to himself? When God lives and breathes in you (and he does, as surely as he did in Jesus), you are delivered from that dead life. With his Spirit living in you, your body will be as alive as Christ’s!

^12-14 So don’t you see that we don’t owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There’s nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God’s Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!

^15-17 This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what’s coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we’re certainly going to go through the good times with him!

^18-21 That’s why I don’t think there’s any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what’s coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.

^22-25 All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around us; it’s within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We’re also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

^26-28 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

^29-30 God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.

^31-39 So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God’s chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We’re sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.

None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us."

Wow. I could spend years talking about this chapter. 

So, I am just going to leave it without any commentary.

Except, 

Bless the Lord oh my soul. 

Thank you for listening to my rambling. 

XOXO,

The Blonde

PS Check out www.setapartgirl.com & download all of these (it's free AND legal) http://noisetrade.com/pageandautumn 

... Tears Are Shed

All I can do right now is cry. 

That cry that just bubbles up from the bottom of your soul and comes spewing out. 

That cry that leaves your face red and nose runny. 

That cry that you hate to have, but really need it. 

The private cry. 

It is the eve eve of the 11th monthaversary of Dad passing away. 

Last night I dreamed that I was hanging out with him. I looked at him laughing and said, "We all thought we had lost you, but it's not true. You're here. How could we miss you?"

I wish with all my heart that dreams came true. 

This month is the last month of being in the "first year" of grieving. (Whoever says time alleviates the pain of missing and makes grief less intense is wrong. You just plug into it less). Honestly, the thought scares me. I fear people discrediting the intensity of loss ("Well it has been over a year, she is probably getting over it now."). Or just not knowing. 

Do you know how painful it is to constantly be with people who did not know my dad? He was so incredible. I just want everyone to know him. 

Can I unloose him?

I am so tired of being strong and put together. 

I just want to be pathetic and cry and grieve. 

But I can't. That's not how life works. Unfortunately (and fortunately) it keeps moving forward. Another paper to write. Another friend to love. Another relationship to invest in. 

Sometimes life seems hollow and lacking flavor. 

Zest. 

My facade of strength is just that - A FACADE. 

Can anyone see through it?

My personal pride (and personality) recoils at my fakeness. 

Do you see me? I laugh and smile and talk and engage. But the words and actions just echo in the hollow of my soul.

What if I answer truthfully to "How are you doing today?" What if I said, "Honestly, I stil don't know who I am or who to trust or how to truly function." 

What would people say?

They would probably cringe and run away. "This little blonde is a mess," they would think. "One that makes me uncomfortable with my life. I don't know how to talk to her or act around her. She's too real. She's too broken."

I guess ultimately I am looking for affirmation from the wrong places. I am looking for my strength from myself & my security from others. 

Instead, I should be leaning on Christ - trusting in his support and (when I gain the strength) looking into his eyes and know that I am loved and whole - no matter how broken. 

And messed up. 

And sinful.

And fake. 

He is still good. 

I am learning to trust him. It is still hard. But he gives me the faith I need. Faith I cannot orchestrate or even imagine. He is so good. 

Lord, 
Thank you for your goodness and your love. Why do you dispose your grace upon me? I am stubborn and proud and my heart is so sinful. I am so sorry. I want to trust and rely on you. Please give me the faith to do so and the tenacity to attack the hardships of life with courage (and, more importantly, with YOU!). 
This sucks. But you are good. Somehow. Someway. You are good. And I love you. In a sinful, imperfect, selfish way. 
I love you. 
Your worn out, beaten down, & cried out girl,
A Blonde

So, great world. Thanks for listening. My heart feels lighter and my eyes are dry (and puffy). 

Until next time. 
xoxo

... She Talks About a Book & a Resolution

I'm back at school.
I have good days.
I have bad days.

But the recent snow flurries have made life glistening with magical whitenss.

The fact The Boyfriend isn't here makes it a little less wonderful.
And a little sad.

(Want to know a secret?
I miss him a lot.)

Anyways, my relationship with My Jesus is growing deeper and deeper. He is really working on my heart, my mind, my soul. I need him. I want to focus on him more.

One way I am learning more about him is with this book:

There is no way to begin to describe how this book is impacting my life. It is reinventing my heart. My prayer life. My relationship with My Jesus.I highly suggest it!

Another blessing in my life is found in a New Years Resolution (yes. cliche. I know.)I made a resolution to record 1000 gifts - big or little. I did not expect it to have such an impact on my heart. (I look forward to recording my 3 gifts of the day) It is helping my focus on what is good in my life. 
The positives. 

I think my natural optimistic, joyful self is starting to grow again. 

So thankful.