... She Moves!

Hello vast unknown! 

I have decided to move my blogging adventures to wordpress.

So, if you want to be updated on my life & adventures, just go to halliegrace.wordpress.com and keep on reading. 

xoxo,
The Blonde

... She Reflects on the Self

Since the secularization of general, Western culture, the concept of the self rules how people perceive themselves and how they interact with others. Freud popularized the concept of the ego & the id. No longer are humans ruled by a higher being, but by their emotions and wills.

"But that is not the way you learned Christ!— assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:20-24

So, why am I bringing up rather philosophical ideas?

Because I just realized that I am ridiculously self-absorbed, selfish, and "self"- defined. Vocally, I claim to love others and have a passion for others. But actually, I just like how others perceive me when I "love" people well. I get excited about being well-liked and people that I do not immediately click with bother me deeply. I find meaning and purpose in how other people think of me.

Though I hate to admit it... my world has a lot to do with me and not a lot to do with Jesus.

"And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." Galatians 5:24

Jesus does not define me in my entirety. I try too hard to balance pleasing humans & pleasing God. I am more immediately concerned about people's feelings about me then what God thinks about me. I am willing to compromise my values and opinions to please others. Not so the other people are fulfilled, but so I can gain glory and affirmation.

I allow my immediate emotions to fuel my decisions. I let my "self" overcome my mouth and foolish words flow out. (Remember that proverb? Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. Not so pretty.)

I am so concerned with being perceived as being offensive, intimidating, or weird that I overcompensate with foolishness.

And yet at the same time, I am obsessed with maintaining a genuine representation of my (very strong) personality. I do not interact with people in a way that glorifies Christ. Instead, without even being aware, I allow my strong personality to trump other less-vocal personalities. And I take a warped pride in my strong personality. As if it is something worth preserving and maintaining. No. It is not at all.

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20 

To make things worst: the world confirms not condemns this awful part of my heart. Just think about it... A vast majority of ads are about building yourself up (VS for example is all about wearing sexy lingerie so, as a woman, you can feel empowered sexually. I am all for women's rights, but should my goal and identity be in how sexy & confident I feel - fully dressed or not?). In my English class we discuss about the discovery of self - as if by discovering yourself you are made absolutely complete (Which I take issue with on a lot of different levels. A) As a Christian, shouldn't our lives be about finding Christ and thus finding ourselves? B) My "self" is constantly adjusting the older I get, the more places I go, and the more people I meet. Even if I made my entire quest in life to "find myself" I never would. It is an elusive quest.). The Internet enables me to know anything from the fundamentals (and beyond) of astrophysics to how to build a car from scratch.  For a vast majority of college students, "the college experience" essentially gives you free licenses to do whatever your lustful heart & mind desires.

All around me, I hear:
Look inward. 
Life is about the self. 
You can't do anything except focus on yourself. 
You do you. 
I forgot that there is more to the world then myself.

Ouch. Nothing like your eyes to be opened to the brutally awful aspects of your soul.

And at the same time it feels good for this to be exposed. Raw & awful. Now that I understand that I have an obsession with myself - I can allow the Lord to work this gunk out of my being.

What would I do without you, Lord? I could not repair this soul well. Actually, I would probably make it worst and inflict a crippling bonus-shot of pride (which I already have in excess).

While seeing this Raw & Awful, I am realizing just how big the cross is. Jesus came to reconcile us to God. My prideful, self-filled heart does not glorify God. In fact, it is exactly the opposite of how God calls me to love others & die to myself. And yet, Jesus - The Son Of God - came to take the burden of sin. How can this be? I am unworthy - this selfish heart of mine is unworthy. 

I cannot go on walking both ways. I want to live entirely in Christ - not pleasing man or my self. I want to please him and live with my heart in submission to him. Jesus was unfairly judged and condemned for things he did not do. People are not going to like me and I am not always going to be dominant in relationships. Submitting my heart is hard. But so entirely necessary. And the Bible has a lot to say about this. (Including the verses I included earlier)

"And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:23

"For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it." Mark 8:35

"And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me." Matthew 10:38

"Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very the nature of God,
did not consider equality with God 
something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father."
Philippians 2:1-11

So, how am I going to walk forward - daily submitting my heart to the Lord and not to myself? 
Prayer & lots of it.
Reminding myself how raw & awful my heart is.  
Speaking the truth of the Bible lots & lots (The Bible is invaluable) 
Talk to close friends about what I've learned today (YAY accountability) 

xoxo, 
The Blonde

PS What I am listening to: Hope Church: Fight for Us (check it out here)

... She Records 1098 Gifts

On January 1, 2013, I decided to record 3 gifts a day for 365 days.

It all started when I read One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. In it she talked about the freedom found in acknowledging thankfulness. In fact, she quotes scientific proof that gratitude can alleviate stress and provide an optimistic outlook on life.  

           

As I wrote, I discovered that the scientific proof is actually true. On the worst days, I had the opportunity to look beyond myself & reflect on the (often minute) gifts in my life. As a result, an attitude of gratitude and optimism has started developing in my heart and I am gaining a new vision for the life the Lord has given me. 

I highly encourage you to visit aholyexperience.com and read Ann's blog. It never ceases to profoundly impact my heart & life.

xoxo,
The Blonde

... She Writes A Cinquian

Love

Overwhelming emotion

Panics, confuses, elates

Engages my innocent heart

You.

... She Rings in the New Year

[DISCLAIMER: Yes, I know that it is January 3rd, but I wrote a majority of this post on the 1st]

Well, it's that time of year again.

I always reach the new year with a sense of regret & foreboding & excitement & hope. Yes, I realize these emotions are paradoxes - they do not overlap and "should not" exist together. And yet, they do. Perhaps that is part of the human condition, trapped between the bitter and the sweet. We taste the bitter right along with the sweet. And yet, at least my taste buds, notice the shocking bitter far before they notice the sweet.

So, what is bitterness of 2013?
Good question. (Yes, I realize I am essentially talking to myself - that is the beauty of writing. Talking to yourself is almost socially acceptable. Almost.)

I am achiever. I like accomplishing what is on my to-do list. 

I regret not speaking truth when I had opportunity. 

I regret hasty words & fearful silence. 

I regret not trusting my Lord & refusing to do what he whispered to my heart. 

I regret not living to my full potential and allowing anger to dictate my actions.

Is there a bitter taste coming into 2014?
Yes. Yes there is.

One year more farther removed from my dad. That bites the hardest and for the longest. It shocks my senses and sends me on the fast track to tears. 

I fear what comes ahead. 

I fear how previous actions may dictate the future. 

I fear the unknown & uncontrollable (yup - I can be a bit of a control freak).

However, and I cannot state this enough, the beauty of having a relationship with Christ is that we are free to live in the security of Christ. Yes, the regret & foreboding of the past & future years exist, but we can leave free from fear (and regret & foreboding) in Christ. As I am writing, I am realizing that I live in a lot of fear. I am tired of being fearful. It needs to stop. The bible has a lot to say about fear. Here are some of my favorites:

• [Isaiah 41:10] Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
• [Philippians 4:6-7] Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
• [Psalm 56:3] When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
• [2 Timothy 1:7] For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
• [Matthew 6:25-34] “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these."
• [Deuteronomy 31:6] Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”
• [1 Peter 5:6-7] Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

So, I've discussed my bitters. How about my sweets?

2013: 

Finishing Freshman Year (NEVER A FRESHMAN AGAIN!)

Making sweet, life-long friends

Going to InterVarsity Camp 

Survived the summer helping my mom get ready to put the house on the market & working a pretty boring office job.  Resulting Bonus: I learned that I never want to work in an office and I learned a lot of details about putting a house on the market. 

We didn't move because my mom decided to stay (I am so relieved - for the most part)

1D Concert

Duck, NC

Chesapeake Bay

Leading a small group on campus for Freshman girls

Reading the book of John

Asking a wonderfully Godly senior to mentor me

Seeing some of my friends get engaged

Meeting The Boyfriend  

Lots of Laughter

Exciting Dates

Cupcake Maker

My current roomies

Impulsive second-hole piercing (I am so rebellious)

Fun Fall, Thanksgiving, & Christmas Breaks 

Learning how to miss people healthily 

Discovering how to be compassionate and loving towards others

Learning how my identity is concrete in my relationship with Christ 

Surviving the One Year of dad dying

Discovering just how much I love education & social justice. 

Learning that I also really love being an English major. 

Living to 2014.

I have so much to be thankful for. 2013 was a million times better then 2012, especially once I went back to school. I am thankful for all the sweetness that the Lord bestowed in my life, heart, & mind. I am confident that the Lord will guide me through the bitter & the sweet of 2014. 

So, 2014. Here we go. I am ready for the love, heartbreak, dreams, people, adventures, boredom, learning, and growth that will happen this year. Here is to a fearless, adventure seeking, Jesus-loving year!

xoxo,
The Blonde

PS What I am listening to as I write: http://songza.com/listen/sultry-sirens-songza/

... She Shares Some Poetry.

I know. It's been forever. Life is so very full. Wonderful, but so full.

I don't have time to write about the many things on my heart (I have 50 pages to read of Midnight's Children and 10 pieces of poetry to finish analyzing - English Major Problems). But I did want to share a piece of poetry that I found. 

Earlier this semester, on the year & a half anniversary (I hate using that word & associating it with death. Anniversaries are suppose to be happy things) of Dad passing away, I wrote this poem. September 8th was hands down the most difficult day of my semester. I sobbed in church and had so much work to do. All I wanted to do was run and sob and write. But I could not. And I did not want to talk about it with anyone. 

[Why do I refuse help? I am way too proud.]

Anyways, vast world, I present you with my poem. 

(September 8, 2013)

In the private moments

                        Of grief,

The heart cries for

                        Some release.

To be hidden away

                        From pain.

And given the chance

                        To Relieve

The all-consuming weight

                        That death

Leaves in its wake.

It wreaks my body.

Cripples my mind.

My every bone screams.

Tears – come.

Anger – dissipate.

Confusion – abandon.

But in this pristine bubble,

There is no chance of relief.

The expectation to be

                        ABSOLUTELY PERFECT

Rules this place.

So, I sit in my tower.

Biding my time.

Until I explode!

Sufficiently depressing? 

I think so. 

BUT, I cannot just present you with a depressing poem. That would not suffice. 

The Lord is consistent to speak truth to my heart. I am learning that He wants what is best for me. I can truthfully, finally, say that HE IS TRUSTWORTHY. I can entrust him with my heart, my future, my loves, my anger, my fears, my sin, my mind, my health, my friends, my family...

I am also learning about love & the Lord. At the beginning of the school year, the Lord laid Ephesians 3:16-21 on my heart. I keep coming back to it over and over again. 

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

What does it look like to be rooted and established in Christ?
Do I exude this incredible strength? If not, how can I?
Is is abundantly obvious that Christ dwells in my heart?
How does Christ's incomprehensible love affect my relationships?

So many questions. I could keep going, but do you really want to read ALL my questions? Maybe. But, I really need to stop procrastinating.

I just want to write all the things that are on my heart.

Summary: My heart. It is settled, scared, overwhelmed, excited, optimistic, confident, and finally regaining normalcy.

I know. This is all so vague, but you will just have to be patient. I'll probably be writing a lot now - we're getting close to finals week.

xoxo,
The Blonde

... She Discusses the Future.

When I was young, I told everyone that I wanted to be a teacher or a missionary. In my ten year old mind, it made sense. I loved bossing my siblings around and teaching them their ABCs and how to do math. I knew I was suppose to be a missionary from age seven, because I heard a missionary speak and felt convinced it was what I was suppose to do.

Well... almost ten years later, I feel the same way. But being a missionary is a lot more terrifying. Where do I go? How do I teach? The world is big and scary and dangerous. My family needs me. I don't want to go without a husband. I have no experience teaching, much less teaching in a foreign country. The fears start lining up. I could probably list fifty excuses for every reason to go.

Regardless of the excuses and fears, I know that I would GO when God told me to.

I would follow His Voice.

Mary Slessor, Amy Charmichael, Katie Davis, Gladas Howard (All incredible women of faith) went to their respective countries and changed lives. They went to some of the most terrifying places hand-in-hand with their Lord.

Could I do the same as them?

Would I?

I think so.

Lord, show me the way.

xoxo,
The Blonde

... She Raves About the Beach

I love the beach. 

The way the sand encases your toes. 

The sound of the waves crashing against the shore. 

The unbridled and unpredictable power of the water. 

The oneness between body, soul, and mind. 

It's my happy place. Where I can evaluate myself and hit reset on my heart and mind. 

I need a restart. Life flows by at a constant, rapid pace. Recently, my life seems to be streaming by faster and faster. I have lost sight of who I am and my relationship with God feels strained. It is entirely my fault.

I need to spend time with my savior and invest time with Him. 

And what better place then the OBX?

(Picture taken by me at the end of my jog on a stormy day)

Xoxo, 

The Blonde 

... She Misses Her Momma

I just realized. 

When Dad died, I lost not only a father but also a mother. 

Mom is an incredible woman and I respect and admire her more and more every day. 

But she is not the same woman I used to know. 

She has to pay the bills, fix the leaky pipes, monitor the hearts of her children, invest in relationships of other family members, sell the house, do laundry.... The list continues. I have no idea how she does it all. 

Without dad, mom is stretched thin. I feel bad talking to her about what's going on in my life. I'm a big girl now. She needs to emotionally invest in my other siblings. Not me. 

But I still miss our relationship. 

I don't like feeling distant from her. 

Erg. Life. 

Xoxo

Blondie

... She Reflects & Repents

How am I doing? 

If it was anyone else besides the internet asking me this, I would say, "Great!" and flash my megawatt smile and turn the conversation on them. 

But that's not really how I am. 

I am lonely. Tired. Bummed. Confused. 

God is stretching me almost to my breaking point.  

Ever since Dad died, I feel this entitlement to joy, happiness, and an easy life. I experienced death in an incredibly upclose and personal way. In America, most people don't die until their too old to care about going on living. My dad was 45. That is ridiculously young.  My peers have no idea about the depth of death. The burden. It is always in the back of your mind. The anxiety, fear, grief, and anger threatening to overcome at any moment. The physical aspect. For months after dad died, I had flashbacks and searing flashes of pain. PTSS (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrom is the official name. It is often found in rape victims or military personel)   

This mental battle is enough. I don't need anymore discomfort. 

But The Lord is faithful to rip away my entitlements and show me that He desires more from me. 

This summer, in one word, sucks. All I do is go to work and help my mom (she jokes I'm acting like her wife). While it is definitely what I need to do, it is hard to have such a narrow life. The women at my work keep asking me if I'm having any fun this summer. I say of course and list off the really fun things I have done (One Direction Concert, Bay trip, seeing a musical and camp). What they don't understand, nor anyone else, is that those "fun" things were bookended with the work of life. The fun is kind of sapped from them. When I try to see my friends, they are all busy or have made other plans with each other. I literally have no social life. 

At least I have my sisters. They're wonderful. Most of the time. Hannah and I definitely have our moments of hating each other and Meg and I argue over clothes constantly, but I still love them. And we have a lot of fun together. Like last night. We were suppose to be purging our bathrooms of junk (so when people look through our house they aren't appalled and so moving is easier). The purge turned into a spa night mixed into cleaning out our bathrooms. 

This lack of social life and having to choose to do the hard thing over the fun thing is breaking me. It is stripping me of my entitlements and forcing me to become an adult.

It's hard not to resent my mom or God. I really don't want to loose my entitlements and I want to have fun. They are forcing me not to. 

In true confession, I don't want to spend time with either of them, because they will convict me of my resentment and despondent heart. 

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS. 

I love my mom. 

I love my Lord Jesus. 

I hate myself for resenting them. 

How do I change my heart? 

I can't, but Lord you are faithful. Please, change my heart. Help to see my purpose this summer and have a joyful heart regardless of my circumstances. You are faithful and good.

xoxo, 

The Blonde

Psalm 51:1-12

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
and justified when you judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

... She Catches the Whole Wide World Up on Life

I am so glad that this blog is really for myself. Otherwise I would feel pressure to write everyday (or every month) and that just is not a realistic expectation. 

That being said, it's been almost two months since I wrote on here. In my mind I am constantly composing posts and generally narrating my life. But it takes a lot of effort and time to sit down and write a blog post. Not really, but I do have a lot going on in my life. 

Since I last wrote... 

I wrote a bajillion papers. 

Took a couple of midterms. 

Packed up my dorm room. 

Helped friends pack their rooms. 

Said goodbye to some of my best friends for the summer. 

Went home for four days. 

Went to InterVarsity camp for a week (it was really fun and helped get my heart and mind focused on Christ). 

Started work. 

Moved into my tiny room at home. 

Started summer school. 

Went to the bay for Labor Day weekend. 

My family decided to move

Found land & the style of house we are going to build. (Hint: It's beautiful). 

Turned 19. 

Celebrated birthdays and graduations. 

Chilled with cousins. 

Bonded with friends. 

Attended a gorgeous wedding. 

Experienced my first school board meeting (A guy called God's wrath down on the school board :o). 

And spent time with the fam. 

Needless to say my days are busy and my heart is often rushed. I would be naive and conceited to say that I am the only one feeling rushed in heart & mind as well as disconnected from my Lord. 

How often does life fly by without reflection on the glory of God? 

Do you find that your heart is often hoping on things other then God? Things like time management  looking attractive, affirmation from the opposite sex, friendships, family, etc. I most definitely do. But then I have days like today. 

Days where I wake up & my heart longs for Christ. I turn on my ipod and the music sounds insufficient and weak. It does not fill me - no matter how loud it sounds or how much the music connects with my situation. My conversations with people seem fake and forced. Everywhere I go, I cannot escape my soul crying for time spent with Christ - reflecting on His Word and the reality of who He is. 

When I do not spend time with Christ, I forget the reality of God. In the world full of God's design, creativity, and deity, I loose sight of him in my own plans and my selfish desires. 

But then we intervenes. 

He speaks quietly to my heart. Sending reminders of his glory and his importance in my life.

Yesterday, Psalm 46:10 appeared constantly. I think I saw/heard it in five different contexts. 

"He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations; I will be exalted in the earth."

Be still, Hallie. Know who I am. Know that regardless of what you do or say, I will be known and worshiped throughout the entire earth. I am worthy of this praise, but I do not need it. I am more then enough for you. You get so wrapped up in your own plans and ideals that you loose sight of my awesome, infinite, astounding, fear-inspiring, grand deity.

Humbling to say the least.


And then He puts other verses in my life to further remind me to be still and know that He is God.

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:5-8

Um. Wow.

No matter how insane my life might feel. Not matter the pressure I feel to be strong for my family - mom especially. No matter how overwhelmed and out of control I am. No matter the situation. God is my foundation and consolation. I can trust him & confide in him. And no matter what I do or say, he will protect me from the fiercest assault.

Be still & know.

xoxo,
The Blonde

... She Talks Boston

When I hear of a tragic happening, I automatically flashback to those immediate moments of panic that I felt when Dad died.

No one should ever have to experience those overwhelming feelings... 

Hysteria
Ripped of identity
Incapable of clear thought
Panic
Adrenaline
Not knowing even how to express yourself

None of it suffices. 

Ever.

I've come to realize that nothing I ever say or do is properly going to express the profound grief, loss, and complete change of life that comes with death. 

And that sucks. 

I try so hard to name it, as we humans like to do. But I cannot even do that. 

Experiencing the death of a loved one renders us speechless. 

And so with these thoughts running through my mind, I sit here in the library trying not to cry.

Not for those who are dead, but for those left in the wake of death. 

Those having to live a life bereft of a loved one. 
Those who never got to repair relationships or say "I love you" one last time. 
Those who do not know Jesus. 

My heart is broken for those in Boston. 

Yet, the word of the Lord never fails to comfort my soul. This past month I keep returning to Psalm 116. I've posted verses 3 - 9 below. 

³ The cords of death entangled me,
    the anguish of the grave came over me;
    I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
⁴ Then I called on the name of the Lord:
    “Lord, save me!”

⁵ The Lord is gracious and righteous;
    our God is full of compassion.
⁶ The Lord protects the unwary;
    when I was brought low, he saved me.

⁷ Return to your rest, my soul,
    for the Lord has been good to you.

⁸ For you, Lord, have delivered me from death,
    my eyes from tears,
    my feet from stumbling,
⁹ that I may walk before the Lord
    in the land of the living.

Please pray along with me that lovers of the Truth will boldly proclaim The Lord's love to those in Boston. Pray that lives will be spared and those who bombed innocent people will be brought to justice. Pray for peace in the hearts of all the citizens of Boston. Pray for families whose lives are forever changed by today. 

.... She Talks About Poverty & Tutoring

I think that when I look back on my life, I will pinpoint this semester as one of the most influential three months of my life. 

Why? 

I learned of poverty.

In English 298, I read speeches given by famous orators, both black and white, around the time of the Civil War. I learned about race relations during that era and how not much has changed since then, thanks to poor decisions. Then, I read horrendous books (like Native Son and Invisible Man) that opened my eyes to the brutality of man. Sin is so real and positively heart wrenching  These books also opened my eyes to the reality that while we do make decisions, we are also products of our environment. And some people live and breath a very toxic environment. 

In my freshman seminar, I learned about the inequities found in the educational system. I learned that education is a hope and a salvation. I grappled with my idealist, Republican sentimentalities and the handout pleasing, Democratic perspective. (I am now a conservative independent).  

In my education class, I was forced to volunteer. So, I chose to drive to a government-housing complex and tutor a little girl. 

Here is a (rough draft) of the paper that I am writing for that class about my experiences: 
*names changed for privacy reasons*
My experience at Youth Life was difficult, but the long-term benefits are immeasurable. Amy proved to be a challenge that I never overcame. It frustrated me that she refused to accept my assistance, even though it would significantly help her. My interactions with the other children at the learning center helped me realize that I cannot become consumed with the well being of one child. All of the students need support in some form. In the greater picture, my experiences helped me gain a broader compassion of and understanding for people living in poverty. In the future, I plan on doing something to help the impoverished – whether it is providing them with education or something else.

In high school, I volunteered in a third grade classroom at an inner city, private school. I loved every second of my experience. When I learned of the required volunteer hours for Diverse Learners, I was excited to replicate my experience. The Center for Civic Engagement connected me with Youth Life. Youth Life is a religious-affiliated, before and after school program for children living in poverty. There are two Youth Life plants. I chose to go to one based in the middle of a government-housing complex. My experience at Youth Life proved to be a challenging one that opened my eyes to the reality of poverty.

On my first day of tutoring, I walked into a chaotic classroom with two frazzled assistants and a frustrated teacher. Not sure what to do or even really where to go, I just stood in the back until the kids were led to recess. Finally, I was given a more complete explanation of what I would be doing. As a volunteer, I was assigned a kindergartner named Amy to tutor and mentor. My first experience with Amy was not a positive one. She pushed every boundary, disobeyed every rule, and, honestly, was not a very enjoyable person to tutor. Beyond the one on one mentoring being difficult, the atmosphere was hard to concentrate in. Kids were talking the whole time and were struggling to stay sitting down. Honestly, it is hard to blame them. They have been in a school setting since as early as seven-thirty in the morning. As I left the first day, I hoped the next tutoring session would be a more positive experience.

Against my hopes, the negative experiences and difficult learning environment continued for the next meeting. However, I gained optimism when Amy had a breakthrough in our third mentoring and tutoring session. She easily read through an entire book with minimal help and even found it amusing. Unfortunately, the breakthrough was short lived. When I arrived for the fourth tutoring session, I was informed that Amy was suspended from her elementary school, and thus the Learning Center, for slapping her principal. Thus far, my overall experience with Youth Life was stressful, frustrating and disappointing.

Since Amy was suspended, I tutored Jane, Amy's sister, and Caleb. Jane is in first grade, is very bright and loves school. She likes doing well and spends a long time on her homework so it would look perfect. She is in second grade and wants to be a teacher when she grows up. Caleb is in kindergarten and loves to move. I was able to incorporate jumping jacks, push-ups, water breaks, and squirm sessions into our homework time. When Caleb was allowed to alternate moving and working, his productivity and understanding improved.  My interactions with Jane and Caleb helped me have positive experiences with tutoring.

On the day of my sixth tutoring session, Amy was back. Jason, the teacher in charge, decided it was best for her to work on her own. I was assigned to Jane again. Today, she was tired and sad. Jason said things get "stressful" at home sometime and, when that happens, Jane shuts down. In order to get her to calm down and open up - I read her favorite book: Cinderella. She reads it almost everyday and watches the movie almost as often. It is as if the perfect, happily ever after world rescues her from the stresses of her own life. As I got to the end, singing bits and pieces of the song, Jane started relaxing and was able to complete her homework. Then, we colored and played on the computer, which became a community activity. A little girl sat on my lap and two other girls offered friendly suggestions, Jane and Amy played the game. It was very relaxed and fun. For the first time, I actually enjoyed myself. By the end of the day, Jane and Amy were fighting over whom I was going to tutor next week. Since then, I have primarily tutored Jane. Amy continues to work on her own, but often comes over to Jane and I for reading or craft time.

Volunteering at the Learning Center was different from my expectations. The first half was very frustrating and disappointing. However, I am so glad that I decided to volunteer with Youth Life. I learned that while I love communicating ideas and thoughts, I am not meant to be an elementary school teacher. I also learned that you have to make concessions with your plan in order to best help the child. It is so easy to become consumed with my personal agenda or the way something is suppose to go. However, that is not fair to the student or to you. I also realized that if I chose to teach in a low-income area there are many social barriers to break down, as a white female. I will never forget my first day volunteering. When I parked my car, I felt uncomfortable, conspicuous, and painfully obvious. I was the rich white girl coming to help the poor black kids. I did not want to be viewed from that perspective. I wanted to be recognized as someone who was helping, because there was a conspicuous need. I did not want to be the wealthy white person momentarily stepping out of her white bubble for charity. Unfortunately, this picture has a grain of truth in it. I am not living in poverty to say the least. I live on a campus endowed with over a billion dollars with a stable home and family that supports and loves me. I live a very different life from the children at the Learning Center. Though our backgrounds are very different, I truly care for these children and want to help them in any way possible.

Since Youth Life is based in a government-housing complex, I came in direct contact with the living conditions of the children. It raised my awareness of the inequities of education and the harsh realities of the world. Some days, it was difficult to look outside and see teenagers, only a few years older then some of the students at the learning center, making poor decisions. It was impossible to ignore the reality that a majority of the children in my classroom are going to continue living in generational poverty. This poverty is heartbreaking. Being in close proximity to the upper middle class only further emphasizes it. Five miles away from the Learning Center are million dollar homes in safe, comfortable areas. It seems unfair that by a twist of fate, these children were born into incredibly difficult circumstances only a few miles away from the more comfortable. I have not been able to reconcile this fact, but it has made me more passionate about children in poverty stricken areas. Though centered in a government-housing complex, the Learning center does an incredible job providing a safe, stable environment for children to come and focus on education.

Youth Life has inspired me to continue volunteering and raise awareness for poverty. As a product of the upper middle class, I chose to ignore the poverty that was right across my city and, instead, to focus on the poverty in other countries. Yes, Africa is a broken continent in need of significant help. However, in our quest to help the broken, we cannot overlook our neighbors. Going to another continent to help others is fantastic, but it is a temporary fix. Investing in a relationship only twenty-five minutes away has the potential to impact a life forever. It seems so logical. Why are people, myself included, choosing to overlook the impoverished in America? I have come to the conclusion that there are two primary reasons. One is that people are scared of commitment. It is one thing to send your money to an organization or spend two weeks in India; however, it is entirely different to commit to meeting with someone once a week or every two weeks. The other reason is that welfare, combined with the general negative perception of the poor in the United States, has made people feel guilty about helping the impoverished. It feels good to give money or time to the poor in another country, but it feels like handouts when devoting the exact same resources to those living in your own country. My response to that is to stop being superficial and devote your time and money to something that truly will make a difference. Continue helping those in need in other countries, but also devote your resources to our neighbors.

This is just a glimpse at all I have learned this semester. I think I need a whole other post to talk about the other things I have learned. 

Summer is quickly approaching (three more weeks!). Hopefully I will be a more consistant blogger over the summer!

xoxo

The Blonde